Saturday, 7 August 2010

Plod Squad Trash Pensioner’s Ride

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In an extreme effort to give a new definition to the phrase ‘Pimp my Ride’ two Caerphilly Plod Squad traffic officers have been suspended after they were filmed smashing up a disabled man’s Range Rover while the terrified pensioner was perched – paralysed in fear - in the driver’s seat, literally shitting his pants.

Footage captured on their police car dashboard camera shows PC Ghengis McThugg repeatedly striking the driver’s side window with an ‘Asp’ telescopic steel baton fifteen times until it smashed in a shower of jagged shrapnel over the hapless driver – while PC Frank Scrote jumped on the bonnet of the vehicle and kicked the windscreen with his police-issue Doc Marten hobnail boots until it also expoded inwards - peppering Mr Fuctifino.

The pair of shit-for-brains gung-ho plods pulled over Arthur Fuctifino, a 96-year old retired tortoise polisher, for not wearing a seat belt as he reversed out of a village car park. The 8-mile chase along the country lanes of South Wales started after officers tried to issue the stone-deaf and disabled Mr Fuctifino with a fixed penalty notice but he drove off, believing the issue had been dealt with by a verbal warning.

Fuctifino, who has a chronic heart condition and is recovering from a stroke, was apparently an inmate in the notorious Nazi German Stalag-Luft 69 POW Camp during World War 2 and has a pathalogical paranoid aversion to people in black uniforms – especially so intimidating gobby cops - hence why he drove off post haste when PC McThugg initially pulled him over and started shouting at him – in Welsh.

Mr Fuctifino, who was expecting officers to gently knock on the window of his £60,000 vehilce related “I couldn’t believe what was happening when the numpty plods went completely over the top. You would have thought I’d just carried out a ramming raid on the local jewellers instead of side-swiping a few school kids and running over some old bag’s poodle.”

“I was terrified and had an involuntary bowel movement when they started smashing the window and kicked in my windscreen. This is something you might expect from the Met’s CO19 Armed Response plod squad or London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense and his Community Enforcement Stasi but not in the quiet of the Welsh countryside.”

“Believe you me, these uniformed hoodlums are a far throw from the iconic BBC coppers on the beat – PC’s George Dockson and Dick Green saying “Evening all” and helping pensioners across the road. Personally I blame all this gratuitous polce violence on the country’s EUSSR membership and Starbucks coffee.”

The on-board police vehicle video captured PC McThugg hitting the side window 15 times with his Asp baton before it smashed and PC Scrote standing on the bonnet of the Range Rover and repeatedly kicking the windscreen until it burst inwards – with the officers then dragging Mr Fuctifino out of his vehicle and ramming him face down into the tyre stinger device laid across the road.

The Independent Police Coverups Commission has launched an investigation after viewing the window-smashing frenzy video - with IPCC spokeswoman Candida Titwank realting to one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that “The assault on Mr Fuctifino’s vehicle was wholly devoid of any form of self-restraint by PC’s McThugg and Scrote, who appear to behave alike some adrenalin-fired scallies and most definitely not officers of the law.” (sic)

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Fuck the Plod Squad and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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