Monday, 9 August 2010

Plod Squad Taser Slapper Bystander

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mr Jarvis Fuctifino, the Chief Constable of Snottingham, has personally apologised with an express ‘Sorrygramme’ on behalf of his officers for accidentally shooting a 14-year-old mother-of-three with a Taser and shocking the poor lass to the extent that her hair – formerly a tidy Croydon facelift style - now resembles a Rastafarian cut that was starched and set in a Force 9 gale.

Officers from the town’s numpty Plod Squad were called to Scally Street on the Skidrow Hamlets housing estate, at about 2235 BST on Wednesday following reports of anti-social behaviour in the area concerning suspected Muslim teenager drunks detonating a small nuclear device in a wheelie bin for a bit of a giggle.

Police discharged a Taser round in an attempt to arrest Wilf McScrote, described by PCSO Ghengis Moron, on secondment from the Renta-Thug security agency, as ‘a shifty Brazilian-looking Arab-type Muslim youth’ who was apparently toting a backpack and wearing roller blades – and skated off at light speed when PCSO Moron shouted “Hit the effin’ deck Mohammed – you’re nicked!”

Apparently the Taser shot missed young McScrote - a 16-year old student who recently passed his O-level exam in Benefit Fraud - but hit Slagella Titwank, a member of the crowd of spectators who were standing nearby, zapping her with a 50,000 volt electric shock.

Ms Titwank told a reporter from the Overkill Gazette "The numpty plod wiv ‘Moron’ on his name badge shouted some racist crap comment at Wilfie then fired his Taser gun thingie wot hit me instead – an’ I’ve bin pissin’ me knickers every half hour since. Just wait ‘til I file a claim wiv one of them personal injury lawyer blokes wot’s bin knockin’ on the door all mornin’.”

The Snottinghamshire Police force has now referred the embarrassing incident to the Independent Police Coverups Commission (IPCC) with PCSO Moron stating in his own defence “I’ve bin trained ter recognise Muslim terrorists an’ this McScrote twat on his fast getaway skates fitted the profile.”
“There he woz wearin’ a beanie an’ a hoodie an’ totin’ a backpack jammed wiv weapons of mass distraction an’ Airbus flight manuals an’ prayer mats an’ suicide bomb vests an’ Korans – so I decided ter arrest him under Section 4 of the Public Order Offence Act. It’s hardly my effin’ fault that stupid chavette slapper got in the way of me aim an’ getting’ a clear shot.”

Chief Constable Fuctifino informed members from the gutter press that "An IPCC investigator has been liaising with Ms Titwank and her family and we have apologised for the fact that certain members of our PCSO Plod Squad have the IQ of a hedgehog and can’t hit shit with a Taser – and constitute as much a danger to themselves as to the public in general.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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