Japan’s Oldest Man was Corpse

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Centenarian might well have been reputed to be the oldest man in Tokyo but when officials went to congratulate Mr Soggy Twatso on his 135th birthday, they uncovered mummified skeletal remains lying in his bed – with an ensuing autopsy and post mortem inquiry revealing he had been dead for 30 years, according to Japanese authorities.

Local officials grew suspicious when they went to honour Mr Twatso at his address in the city’s Scumbag Village but his grand-daughter Mrs Kuntsu Fuctifino told them to “Go take an effin’ hike – he don’t wanna see any fucker.”

Social welfare officials had tried to check on Mr Twatso since early this year. However on each occasion they went to visit family members repeatedly chased them away – according to one report in the Benefit Cheats Gazette.

Care authorities grew suspicious and sought an investigation by the Tokyo Plod Squad who forced their way into the house last Wednesday after tasering Mr Twatso’s grand-daughter to disarm her of the Samurai sword she was wielding to prevent their entry.
They discovered a mummified body, believed to be Mr Twatso’s, lying in a bed, wearing pyjamas and propped up with a pillow pretending to read a newspaper and wearing MP3 player earphones blasting out the strains of Beethoven’s Symphony No. 7 Movement 2 – The Death March.

While the Tokyo social services are now investigating the family on possible fraud charges as the family had received 9.5 million yen (£70,000) in widower's pension payments via Mr Twatso's bank account since his wife died six years ago and were still drawing his weekly state pension allowance.
In their defence Twatso’s relatives told police that he had confined himself in his room more than 30 years ago and became a living Buddha.

Meanwhile, after Tokyo officials discovered the city's supposed oldest man had died 30 years ago, they have undertaken a series of checks on their centenarian population and discovered that the city’s reputed oldest woman has been missing for the past ten years.

Mrs Fuka Fukarama, aged 113, had been registered as living with her daughter Ms Candida Fukarama – who, when confronted with questions of her mother’s whereabouts, pronounced she’d not seen her mother since the old lady went off with her Facebook toy boy to celebrate at a Millennium party on New Year’s Eve, 1999.
Despite being reputed to be Tokyo's oldest woman, it appears no-one had bothered to check that Mrs Fukarama was still alive - until now.

According to government data, there are more than 40,000 centenarians registered in Japan but the recent fraudulent discoveries in Tokyo have now cast doubt on the accuracy and veracity of the numbers still being alive and well, and not being maintained as such by greedy relatives who continue to draw their pensions and other welfare benefits and saying ‘to Hell’ with giving them a timely funeral and burial service.

Do you have any skeletons stacked in your wardrobes? How about the odd deceased Granny stuck under the bed?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.