Monday, 9 August 2010

Finland’s ‘Whacky Pursuits’ Sauna-Bake

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Flaky Finland, renown for its weird and whacky cultural pursuit crazes, has seen this year’s world sauna endurance tournament challenge end in a sunny-side-up cum flambé fubar tragedy for the record-bid participants – with the death of one competitor and another admitted to the Helstinki Central Hospital A & E burns unit.

Russian finalist Vladimir Casserolsky and his Finnish rival Bork Fuckwitt were both taken to hospital after collapsing, with the Russian being pronounced a medium rare on arrival, and the Finn parboiled to near perfection with the flesh tenderised to a degree that it was falling off his bones.

British entry Bazzer Bakewell from Smegmadale-on-Sea pulled out of the ‘hothouse’ challenge when a four hour stint saw his 16 stone body weight drop by 40% due dehydration and left his chronic haemorrhoids a crispy brown texture. Likewise Turkish competitor Mustapha al Dente was out carted out of the sauna on a paramedic-borne stretcher after his eyeballs burst.

The insane macho endurance event, which has been running since 1999, requires participants to withstand a 110 degree Centigrade temperature for as long as possible – but according to tournament umpires not until the contestants actually drop dead.

Ms Tekem Orloff, a former Leningrad stripper and girl-friend of the deceased Russian contestant Casserolsky, informed a reporter from the Self-Harmers Gazette that he had been practicing for the annual event by spending three hours a day sitting on top of the deep fryer - basting his body with a secret Siberian marinade containing a mix of goose fat and asbestos – until his skin turned to a golden fried chicken patina.

Rumours that Albanian medical students studying at the Helstinki Central Hospital ate several portions of Bork Fuckwitt’s broiled anatomy while he was in a coma have been strenuously denied by the hospital trust authorities – however police authorities are investigating the whereabouts of his missing left leg and studying fingerprints found on a bowl of sweet chilli dip discovered by his bedside cabinet.

Finland is world-renown for several reasons apart from rampant alcoholism: mass-produced mobile phones, pristine freezing lakes - 190,000 of them – being the home of Santa Claus and the Eurovision Hardrock Hallelujah monster band, Lordi - and scalding hot saunas.

Finnish summer sports and pastimes owe something to all of these things. The telecoms industry, the natural environment - and the country's gimmicky eccentric side – with a list that includes boot eating, wife throwing, mosquito slapping, mobile-phone chucking, swamp football, hosting the world championships for playing the air guitar – and sauna bath endurance.

Helstinki-based psychiatrist Scrotella Mingerot opined to the Bonkers Gazette that there is a single factor that helps to explain the popularity of goofy sports in Finland. “This is a thing I refer to as ‘the blessed madness’ – which is basically an improvised rite where a member of the community exalts himself by doing something stupid or dangerous while drunk – or sober – such as one of my patients Lars Knobwart who happens to be the world endurance record holder for sticking his cock into a wasp’s nest - and sitting naked on an ant hill.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

No comments: