In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The gospel according to Dr Ramjam Blabberwocky, the head of the UN’s Disasters Emergency Committee, states the generosity of the British public in helping Pakistan's flood victims is shaming politicians around the world.
Well, of course, nothing really surprising there when you consider the fact that there’s more Paki’s living across the length and breadth of the UK with a few bob to spare than there are in Pakistan.
Brendan Gormless, the DEC’s UK-based representative, informed one reporter from the Sink or Swim Gazette that the British public were leading the way in donations, but that further funds were urgently needed to pay their administrative bonuses this Christmas for doing such a good job of begging for relief aid.
Gormless claimed that while the response of the UK government was to be respected, other nations had been slow to react to the situation in Pakistan that was continuing to affect more than 20 million people. However, the DEC's Pakistan Floods Appeal has now raised more than £30 million quid in the UK alone – which currently worked out at £1.50p each for every one of the 20 million people affected by the floods – just enough to get a bowl of Pol Pot Insta-Noodles, a bag of pork scratchings and a bottle of 85% de-silted Indus River water.
Sapphie Goedemich of Ox-Rat, the international environmental and human rights and wrongs watchdog, claimed the Pakistan appeal was not just for one disaster.
"It is an appeal for a catastrophe that consists of all the everyday mini-disasters that make up the basket case country of Pakistan.”
"But if we put all of this together, what we have is a single, long event that has the scale of Hurricane Katrina, the Asian tsunami, the devastation of Haiti, and the complexity of the Middle East war zone situation. In fact anything related to United States military strikes or when they choose to bash some Third World shithole or emerging economy with that evil HAARP weather wars cum earthquake and tidal wave generating machine of theirs in Alaska."
Really, if it wasn’t for bad luck Pakistan simply wouldn’t have any at all. Personally, we at the office here have had a whip-round and come up with some stellar gear to donate. Several pairs of wellies, a couple of sou’-westers, a boxful of buckets, a second-hand wetsuit, two Billy Pugh buoyancy vests, three pairs of trainer water wings – and last but not least – a ‘waterproof’ copy of ‘Swimming for Dummies – How to Save Yourself from Drowning in Six Easy Lessons’.
As Harold MacMillan - the Tory Prime Minister of the day once pronounced – or was it Tommy Trinder? - “You lucky people! – you’ve never had it so good!”
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
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