Tuesday, 31 August 2010

UK Clap Stats Win Guinness Book Place

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the Health Protection Agency states there were almost half a million new cases of sexually transmitted disease infections ‘recorded’ in the UK last year – with cynics staffing the ranks of the National Health Service running a book offering 10 to 1 odds that the number unrecorded – going untreated – will statistically exceed 3 million drippy cocks and rotting minges when they eventually turn up at a clap clinic with festoons of necrotic flesh dangling off their diseased genitalia.

Health Protection Agency ‘Clapologists’ claim young people are most affected and thousands of shit-for-brains 10 to 16 year olds with an STD became infected again within a year due their ‘couldn’t give a flying fuck’ attitude towards using condoms.
Health ministers are dumbstruck as to what actions expedited by them will increase young people's awareness of the risks of unprotected sex – and too the long-term effects of catching a dose of ‘syph’ or ‘gonner’ – or any one or combination of the myriad of STD’s doing the rounds - and leaving them untreated.

Dr Candida Muffitch of the HPA suggests a campaign of photos and instructional videos, posted around school dining rooms, and on the internet and YouTube, showing cases of ‘GKR’ (Galloping Knob Rot) where a young male’s genitalia has become so badly infected the entire length of his manhood and testicles turned gangrenous and dropped off.
This is to be accompanied by a parallel campaign targeting school-age girls, with graphic displays of ATC (Advanced Twat Canker) – with the clitoris resembling a Brussels sprout, piss flaps dotted and perforated with genital warts, and suppurating vaginas oozing pus like dollops of curdled custard as they fester away.

Dr Chlamydia Titwank, senior resident Clapologist at Smegmadale’s STD Clinic, informed one reporter from the ‘Poxed Up Gazette’ “You simply wouldn’t believe where some of these girls manifest their sexual infections. Genital warts, herpes ulcers and chancres around the mouth, up their nostrils and down their throats – plus up their arses too. I mean, how do they catch clap in their auditory canals? – or perhaps I shouldn’t ask if their boyfriends stick their cock in their ears and try to fuck some sense into them.”

“However, I don’t suppose I should really complain as I always get a big round of applause when I come on duty in a morning and walk through the waiting room – and they’re all sat there - Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!”

The current Guinness World record for being infected with the most doses of clap at any one time was held by singer Amy Shitehouse until hotel chain heiress Paris Stilton grabbed the title earlier this year when diagnosed with a cocktail of several strains of venereal disease even the doctors had never seen nor heard of before.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

No comments: