Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Pensioned Slapped with Fixed Penalty Fine

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An elderly widow has been threatened with a £2,500 fine by Smegmadale-on-Sea Council’s Community Enforcement ‘Stasi’ – for dropping cigarette ash on the pavement.
Mrs Edith Pustule, a 96-year old grandmother, was having a quick drag at a bus stop outside the local hospital - where she had just attended an appointment to have her pacemaker battery replaced - when a warden pounced and handed her a £75 quid fixed penalty fine for littering – which the cash-strapped granny refused to pay and has now been warned it could rise to £2,500 nicker if the issue is referred to a magistrate’s court.

Mrs Pustule told a reporter from the Jobsworths Gazette that “I’d come outa the hospital an’ went across the road ter have a look fer a pair of 6 inch heeled black patent slingbacks in the Jimmy Choo-Choo shoe shop fer when we go an’ see Norman & the Necrophiliacs at the Smegmadale Arena’s heavy metal concert next week.”

“Anyways, I goes an’ sits down on the wall next ter the bus stop ter wait fer the number 69 an’ I’m havin’ a quick smoke an’ this Community Enforcement Officer bitch wiv Slagella McSkank on her Renta-Thug security agency badge, wot works fer the council, comes up an’ sez’ “Yer droppin’ yer fag ash on the floor Missus – yer should have yer own ashtray wiv yer” – then she hands me this here fixed penalty notice fer a £75 quid fine – so I told her ter go an’ shove it up her fat dyke arse.”

Ms Candida Ffinch-Hattoff QC of Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot, Solicitors, who has volunteered her legal services to represent Mrs Pustule on a pro bono basis – informed the media “This is a case of gross idiocy, putting uniforms on total morons – and this McSkank clot was cautioned recently by the RSPCA for kicking a pigeon that she caught shitting on the pavement.”

Records show that Smegmadale-on-Sea Council dished out 22,758 penalty fines last year, compared to just 346 in neighbouring Scumborough Bay.

Alderman Derek Kuntt, Smegmadale-on-Sea’s council member for safer neighbourhoods, refused to comment on Mrs Pustule’s case – but stated for the public record that “In general terms, however, our community enforcement wardens do not issue fixed penalty notices for dropping cigarette ash as they do for cigarette butts, which are specifically classed as litter under the Environmental Protection Act - so in this case CEO McSkank obviously had a shitty on and decided to book the old baggage.”

The council has taken a particularly hardline stance against litter – instanced when Kerrie-Anne Mingerot was targeted by a warden and slapped with a £75 quid fine after a condom accidentally dropped from her pocket as she ran to catch a bus to her place of work at the Happy Ending Rub n Tug Massage Salon on Jackoff Street.

However the most notorious episode, which hit the headlines of the national gutter press tabloids, occured when 16-year old mother-of-three Tiffy Tourettes was fined £100 quid for feeding the ducks on the pond in the town’s Slagford Park with her toddler son, 3-year old son Dazzer, and a few breadcrumbs were left on the pondside pavings.
When Ms Tourettes was ordered by a split-arsed Community Enforcement moron to clean the mess up – or else - she told the officer to “Fuck off , eat shit and die, bitch. Fine the effin’ ducks fer not cleanin’ their mess up – not me.”

Eye witness and media reports jointly claim this was the point when the CEO pulled out her Taser – with Ms Tourettes reacting by hurling her into the pond – whereupon she was self-stunned with the ensuing electric shock, then unfortunately pecked to death by irate ducks invading their ‘chill out space’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

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