‘You Couldn’t Make This Shit Up’

In this morning’s ‘You Couldn’t Make This Shit Up’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Over the Atlantic, in the good ole US of A, de Land of de Free and ‘golden opportunities’, a blue collar worker with a naturally dark suntan recently murdered eight wholly untanned persons – and wounded two more - at his Skunk Piss Brewery place of employment simply because they were white, hence obvious racists who were suppressing his right to better himself.

To those closest to him, friends and family alike, Jefferson Jaffacake III was a well-balanced whingeing drunk with a cord-sized chip on either shoulder – each one big enough to rile a cock-strutting lumberjack’s envy.

However, underneath that soot-black malcontent exterior the 69-year old chronically paranoid Jaffacake seethed with psychotic rage and a sense of social injustice from years of being refused membership not only to his local Ku Klux Klan branch but also the prestigious WASP-dominated Connecticut Freemasons Society – even though he was a self-confessed ‘honkey’ hater who complained to a group of equally sun-tanned neighbours sat on the tenement steps waiting for their welfare cheques to be delivered on the morning he finally went ‘postal’ – that everyone at the Skunk Piss Brewery warehouse seemed in a conspiracy to slight or injure him - and the time had come for ‘retribution’.

“I is so sick to de teeth wid dis here discrimination shit – makin’ me work in de warehouse fetchin’ dis an’ totin’ dat like a gopher when some peckerwood honkey scumbag gets to be manager jest cos he got a degree from Harvard – an’ he comes down all patronising like an’ sez shit like “Hey, great job Jefferson, right on man”- which ta me means ‘Hey de nigga got it right fer once’.”
“Den ya got dat dere two-tone golly munt from Kenya – de Barky O’Barmy cuckoo in de White House an’ he get de job as President even if he am got a forged US birth certificate from Hawaii – jest cos he got a bit of de white boy in him from his Mama.”

The September 15th headline of the Jingoists Gazette carried the banner headline “Racist Coon Guns Down Racist Honkeys” and in the second paragraph reported: “Jefferson Jaffacake might also have had cause to be angry as he believed he was white on the inside and lamented that his grievances at work to promote him to deputy manager had gone unaddressed. He further complained to his girlfriend that his prayers to God to make him white had also gone unanswered – which caused a massive loss of self-esteem and religious faith when he then realised that God was probably a honkey racist also – and quite possibly Jewish to boot.”

The Xenophobes Review headline read, “Beer warehouse shooter who had long complained of racism was fired for stealing beer and drinking while at work – an act caught on CCTV. Is society to blame?”
However, so typical of today’s ‘politically-correct’ bleeding heart media, this fact seems to have been lost in the story’s dissemination – focusing instead on Jaffacake’s claims of being a victim of white prejudice and discrimination.

Following his dismissal for theft of company property (beer) and drinking alcohol on the job, Jaffacake fell victim to a complete sense of humour failure and went into a temper tantrum that caused him to walk back into the warehouse and start shooting anyone that moved – leaving a total of eight dead and two seriously wounded – then turned the gun on himself when he realised this was the worst career move he could have possibly made.

Jaffacake’s girlfriend Jemima , a 16-year old mother of three, told a reporter from the Bigot’s Weekly “I knows what pushed him over the edge was all the racial stuff that was happening at work. Every time he called the whiteys a bunch of ’honkey scumbags’ they shouted back “Go get fucked, ya sootball golly!”
“Another thing - the management only gave him a pay raise once a year – even though he worked like a n – ? – erm, very hard.”

Apparently Jaffacake had recently become obsessed with the street propaganda catechism that there are more black men in prison than in college – and while every decent American regards this fact as a scandalous tragedy, the majority recognize that the fault lies primarily with the black criminals who break the 11th Commandment and get caught - not with a racist society.

Conversely Jefferson Jaffacake III came to identify with and believe the false dominant liberal narrative that states while white criminals are in jail because they have committed offences, the black criminals imprisoned are, by and large, ‘victims’ of a racist white society.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.