Lizzie Loads Heating Bills onto Taxpayers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

According to a Buckingham Palace insider cum whistleblower working for Ox-Rat, the international graft and corruption watchdog charity, the UK’s ‘Gracious and Noble Queen’ – the Lizzie Mark 2 ‘scroungebag’ model – has petitioned government ministers for a poverty handout to help heat her collection of draughty old palaces but was given the big finger as they feared it would be a public relations disaster – more so for themselves than the Royal Parasites Club.

Royal aides were told that the £60 zillion quidsworth of energy-saving grants were aimed at families on low incomes – and no incomes - and if the money was given to the wicked Windsor family instead of housing associations or hospitals it would generate shedloads of adverse publicity for the Queen and the Government – and quite possibly lead to repercussions reminiscent to the storming of the Bastille and the end of the bungling bloated Bourbon dynasty’s ‘happy days’ of eating cake – or the shameless Romanovs getting shot in a cellars of Ipatiev House in Yekaterinburg by a bunch of bolshie Bolsheviks.

However, aides put on their practiced ‘whinge’ act and complained to ministers that the Queen's gas and electricity bills, which have increased by 50% for the 2010 / 2011 period, stood at more than £1 zillion nicker a year and had become untenable – much the same as the common peasants are currently experiencing.

The Royal Household have further complained that the ‘paltry’ £15 million quid the government grant (read ‘taxpayer’) to maintain the Queen's collection of ostentatious palaces was inadequate – which drew a host of negative comments from a legion of first time home buyers living in two up-two down terrace houses in Skidrow Hamlets and surviving off jobseeker’s allowance with bailiffs banging on the doors every five minutes – with one wit stating “Yeah, at least she’s got the Royal Guardsmen ter keep the effin’ bailffs off her back.”

In 2009, the London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense commissioned a thermal imaging survey to be undertaken at Buckingham Palace to measure the energy waste and establish a carbon footprint benchmark for the City’s royal residences.
Alas the survey revealed mega-BTU’s of heat pouring through the portcullis and closed curtained windows, the roof and cracks in the walls. A team of energy surveyors labelled the Palace as shocking and appalling - the biggest central heating radiator in London and gave it a score of zero out of ten. St James's Palace came in at 12th place in the survey of 170 buildings with a score of only three out of ten.

A later assessment of the Queen’s Scotland-based Balmoral Castle, applying the EUSSR regulation minimum temperature statistics for both human and animal habitats found it so draughty and cold that it was considered unfit to keep penguins, let alone house humans, corgis – or pigs.

The scrounging old baggage and her Greek neo-Nazi spouse Philip the Virus Man already claim their Winter Fuel Allowance, just the same as the peasants, even though she’s got more money than Croesus.

Hasn’t anyone informed the numpty dumpty royals that the whole fucking country’s been told to tighten its belt and here she is running how many holiday homes and official residences for her flock of hanger’s on – all these so-called grace and favour accommodations on the royal estates that were built around the time of the Norman conquest and should have been demolished centuries ago. All this at the taxpayer’s expense and now she wants her heating bills paid too? The slag's got more cheek than a Hottentot’s arse.

For fuck’s sake doesn’t the barmy old bat realise the country’s in a depression and it’s the likes of her and leeching mates who have caused it. Even our millionaire PM Posh Dave Cameron has had to cut down on expenditures to the extent sexy Sammy can’t even afford a cot for the new baby Florrie – the poor little twat’s sleeping in a cardboard box her elder sister pinched from the back of the Tesco’s Whitehall outlet and knocked up for her with a Salvation Army blanket and a pillow filched from the school nativity play stockroom – then decorated it with a box of Banksie crayons.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, coal seams, nuclear power plants or wind turbines were cut down, mined or turned on while posting this message. However, a large number of royal fireplaces went temporarily unlit.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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