Saturday, 4 September 2010

Cameron Demands Minimum Liquor Price

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Libservative coalition PM, Posh Dave Scameron, today informed a reporter from the Pissheads Gazette that, in no uncertain terms, he is determined to impose a crackdown on supermarkets and other stores selling alcohol at below-cost prices to curb binge drinking and alcohol abuse in general.

Scameron claims drastic action is needed to stop Britain's town and city centres resembling the Wild West and the aftermath of the Little Big Horn massacre in the evenings as a result of drink-fuelled disorder.
“We need to stop these yobster types of people pre-loading and getting off their heads on cheap shop-bought alcohol before they go and start skulling pints of Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper in the pubs and clubs.”

The PM was speaking to a small crowd in the city’s centre after publicly backing Greater Manchester councils' plans to bring in minimum prices. Several councils in the area are determined to pass and implement bylaws to address public disorder and health issues caused by binge-drinking, including a regulation that each unit of alcohol must cost at least 10 pence per shot.

The bemused crowd of listeners, mesmerised by Scameron’s sermon, openly giggled when children called out “Is it a Punch and Judy show?” “Where’s the crocodile mate?” “That’s not the Pope – he hasn’t got a daft hat on?” “Is it that bloke from the Jehovah’s Witnesses?”

Regardless, the stalwart Scameron soldiered on – determined to combat booze-related anti-social behaviour which he finds unacceptable for his planned Big Society Youth Movement Utopia.
“I mean to say, really, why can’t these binge-drinking oicks just settle for a glass of dry sherry and not go off quaffing down jeroboams of Tithead Tankard? What we need to do is stop places like the Pestco and the Pukesburys Greedy Grocer supermarket chains from selling 20 tins of Pit Bull Brewery’s 8% ‘Dogbite’ lager for a fiver.”

“Their discount deals go right over the top of the insurance damages claims, council clean-ups, and NHS A & E department costs in sorting the anti-social after-effects of all this cheapo plonk swilling. They stagger out of the local Chunder Arms after a night on the Migrane Mixers then wander off for an early morning nosebag take-away from Biffo’s Barg Burger Chew n Spew outlet - then puke the lot up over the pavement 100 meters down the road – and then the poor pigeons are left to peck over this cold regurgitated mess the next morning - and we all know pigeons don't like carrots.”

While the House of Conmans Ill-Health Select Committee have joined with the Smegmadale-based Harold Shipman Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence in voicing strong support for minimum pricing, Ghengis McTwatt, the feisty CEO of the ubiquitous Troublespot Taverns pub chain that markets their strong Crap Brew Ales range for £1 per pint – with weekend offers of ‘Buy one – get one free’, opined to the media that “If the kids are drinkin’ lager and mixers yer know they’ll only wake up wiv an hangover."
“If yer bang the price up ter a minimum like this knobhead Scameron wants then they’ll be swillin’ down any old shit ter get a buzz on – like bottles of meths from B & Q – or Rad-Weld and anti-freeze from Halfords - then they’ll be needin’ liver transplants on the NHS – never mind A & E band-aids fer their knuckle scrapes and stab wounds.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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