Sunday, 19 September 2010

Papa Ratzi Urges Cameron to Convert

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Pope Benny, the Mk XVI Ubermensch model, yesterday met up with Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron for afternoon tea and crumpets in the House of Conmans cafeteria, where they were joined by the Librarian Dummercrats leader and Coalition Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg - plus acting Labour leader - the ginger mingin’ speed freak Harriet ‘Stab Vest’ Harman.

Benny was overheard telling Posh Dave “Your predecessor – not that humourless Scottish git Broon but the other bloke – Tony –the one who used to tell all the porkie pies - he came to see me in Rome to confess his sins – which took a few days – then converted to Roman Catholic and God forgave him for the illegal invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, and the 7/7 false flag terrorist attack on the London tube system – and having Dr Kelly snuffed. Now look at how much he earns – that’s faith and the power of the Church at work for you.”
“If you decided to convert and become a left-footer and do good works for the Vatican, then we might be disposed to canonize you – Saint Dave of the Wind Turbines, no less.”

Following his ‘spreading the faith’ homily to convince the UK’s political leaders to convert to Mackerel Snappers, Benny moved on to celebrate Mass at Westminster Cathedral, after which he was confronted by thousands of disgruntled choirboys – all members of the Ruptured Sphincter Claimants group - amassed outside.
As the Pope waved to them he was met with a cacophony of ‘Boos’ and a hail of left foot shoes – the acrimony of the moment only being broken and turned to one of boisterous mirth when a small group from Window Lickers for Christ came forward and hoisted aloft their banner reading "We Love U Nelson Mandela".

Papa Ratzi’s busy day ended with a prayer vigil in Hyde Park, around the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain – which miraculously started to work at full belt for the first time in months – spouting a torrent of water some twenty feet into the air and drenching Benny’s Persil-white cassock just as he was giving Prince Philip absolution for having Di’ murdered in Paris.

The Pontiff is scheduled to fly to Munich tomorrow to bless the September 18th opening of the annual Bavarian beer festival - the Oktoberfest - before flying on to Kabul to meet with the Taliban’s spiritual leader Mullah Mohammed Omar to persuade him to attend the 2011 Interfaith Conference, to be hosted by the Vatican in Rome – with such religious luminaries as Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i; His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet; and South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu already signed up to put in an appearance.

Interviewed by Bazzer Fuctifino from the Heretics Gazette while browsing around the duty free section at Heathrow, Pope Benny mentioned the most difficult part of his visit had been to promise singer Susan Boyle he would pray for Divine Intervention to turn her dumpy pumpkin looks into a Cinderella format for a single evening so she could finally get her virgin self laid – and preferably gang-banged by the ridiculous Jedward twins.
On the bright side Benny sported the leather-bound folio of 85 drawings by the 16th Century German artist Hans Hobgoblin – a gift from the Queen from the Royal Collection. Benny confided “Now this one will go for a nice little price when I put it up for auction on eBay.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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