Taxman Indignant Over Deductions Snafu

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK's top tax man has refused to apologise after taking the wrong amount of tax from six million people.
Desmond Fartnett, Permanent Secretary at Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs (HMRC), claimed the horror stories of blunders and IT failures were all part and parcel of the job – and further warned that those who owe £2,000 or more in back tax will have three months to repay it in full once they receive their demands or else a legion of court bailiffs and Cash Converters repo’ men armed with seizure writs will be dispatched with malice aforethought.

Morton Scrunt, the Conservative MP for Old Scrotum, accused the HMRC and Fartnett in particular, of "unqualified arrogance" for informing the BBC’s Radio 4 ‘Piggy Bank’ programme "I'm not sure I see a need to apologise – the entire British tax system has always been a total fuck up since the time of Magna Carta and that’s hardly my fault."

Fartnett, a former tomcat strangler with Skidrow Hamlets Council and the founder of the Billingsgate Halitosis Society, has announced that the 5.7 million letters the HMRC would be sending out to taxpayers before Christmas were the result of a normal process of matching the tax deducted from each taxpayer with their personal circumstances.
He confirmed that 3.4 million people would be told they had extra tax to pay – and revealed that those who owed the most tax – ie the wealthiest - would have the least time to pay – stating for the record that this system would apply to more than 80% of those who owed money.

Conversely those owing below £2,000 will have the money deducted from their pay or pension over a twelve month period - or in cases where extreme hardship is claimed – have their children kidnapped and held hostage at Guantanamo Bay – to be buggered by kiddie fiddling US military thugs on a daily basis until the account is settled – with interest.

Fartnett, known around the HMRC offices as ‘Scrooge’, informed media hacks “This little controversial episode is sweet fuck all - just wait until the Libservative’s new tax collection plans are implemented next April and we here at HMRC take over the entire wages payment system for the peasantry – then the employer’s will be depositing the gross salary with us and we’ll be the one’s to decide how much tax and national insurance to deduct each week or month, as the case may be. Then you’ll be hearing some impotent screams and cries of “Foul!”

Sir Irwin Bogbrush, chairman of the Low Incomes Tax Reform Group told reporters "This £2,000 quid procedure gives cause for concern if HMRC fail to abide by the spirit of the ‘Your Charter’ statutes.”

”Fartnett seems to have much in common with Chancellor Georgie Oddbourne - not so much into blue skies thinking as black skies -complemented by ‘thunderclouds ominous’. What this high and bloody mighty HMRC secretary needs to remember is the fact that common workers are not trained tax accountants and hence reasonably expect that their tax affairs were in order – and not totally fucked up beyond all recognition by HMRC pissing around and swapping computer software systems mid-year, causing this resulting snafu and expect the public to cough up money they don’t have.”

“Technically, and what every member of the public lucky enough to still have a job – and some sort of salary coming in – needs to be made cognitively aware of is the fact they can tell HMRC to go and fuck themselves if they receive an outstanding tax demand.”
“This is termed the 'A19: Extra-Statutory Concession', and the law of the land states that HMRC have to write-off the money – plus there’s no limit to the amount of money which can be written off under this concession as the fault for taxes going unpaid through the PAYE system lies with HMRC and not the taxpaying ‘victims’ themselves, as most people have no reason to think the tax they were paying was wrong.”

“To recap, the majority of peasant with two brain cells to rub together would naturally assume that the taxman has got his calculations right. – and herein lies the argument for the A19 ESC – those who get the demand letters should simply declare "HMRC had all my relevant personal information, hence I presumed that the amount of tax I was having deducted automatically each month from my salary was spot on and correct".

“So, based on my above points, if anyone receives a demand for £2,000 nicker or more and then submits an A19 concession but gets it turned down by the HMRC weasels, they can turn to the free appeal service run by The Adjudicator's Office, which acts as a 'fair and unbiased referee' on the mountains of complaints concerning HMRC’s nefarious activities and accumulative sins.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of official government lunacy and re-adjusted P60 forms.

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