School Served with Noise Abatement Notice

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Children attending a primary school at Smegmadale-on-Sea have had their regular morning and afternoon – and lunchtime - play breaks cancelled, with all ball games banned after grouching misopedist neighbours complained to the council concerning ‘excessive kiddie noise’.

Mrs Beverly Titwank, head teacher at the St Asbo’s Church School for Latter Day Scallies, informed a reporter from the Cachophony Gazette that the decisions were regrettable but necessary since being served with a Noise Abatement Notice by the local council - even though the PTA have already erected a 30 foot high soundproof fence modelled on the Israel’s Great Apartheid Wall surrounding the besieged Gaza Strip.

In response, parents are apparently fuming at the attitude of the school’s misanthropic and senile neighbours – with the Play England quango getting in on the publicity act and labelling the complainants as ‘geriatric pond scum who should be euthanised”.

The measures were put in place after a coven of widows living next to the playing fields, with Councillor Hilda McScrunt as their ring-leader, filed an official complaint with the council’s environmental health officials concerning the noise generated by a couple of classes of juveniles at play together.

Fellattia van der Gamm, the official spokeswoman for Play England, which promotes free play opportunities for all children across society’s spectrum, told the red top Curmudgeon’s Weekly her organisation was concerned that the decision to ban outside play, games and sports even following the construction of the soundproof wall was not focused on the best interests of the children – and the grumpy old neighbours should be encouraged to turn off their deaf aids.

"We at Play England are not satisfied that a statutory noise nuisance exists from what amounts to normal use of the school and playground areas. Nevertheless Mrs Titwank and the teachers at St Asbo’s School are taking these complaints seriously and wish to maintain good relationships with their senile, whingeing neighbours.”

“However, in light of the main complainant, one Mrs Hilda McScrunt, being a member of the local council, we consider she has abused her position and influence to have a Noise Abatement Notice issued so have reported this as a case of misconduct in public office to the Crown Prosecution Service – and further petitioned the Department of Education to perform an independent assessment of noise levels.”

PTA notice: The St Asbo’s Church School for Latter Day Scallies Sports Day will take place as scheduled on September 24th at 2:00pm – however the Al Jazeera Cup Award for the Muslim pupil’s planned Extreme Stoning Event has been cancelled due the screams it generates.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.