Thursday, 9 September 2010

In-Flight Trolls to Co-Pilot Paddy Planes

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ryanair's ever-controversial rat-faced boss has called for the second pilot to be dumped from the flight deck of his company aircraft to save a few bob.
Michael O'Bleary, the owner of Irish Scareways SA, pontificating to a bunch of gutter press hacks in the pub’s saloon bar yesterday afternoon, once again demonstrated why it is always wise to engage brain before opening mouth – by declaring for the public record that flight attendants (trolley dollies) could be trained to take over and land the plane in the event of a sky-high crisis – such as the actual pilot having a fatal coronary – or simply passing out after sculling a few too many complimentary gargles.

The semi-inebriated O’Weary, Guinness in hand, proselytized “Why de fuck der yer need ter have two effin’ pilots on a plane, I ask yer? Really, you only need one pilot now yer have all dis computerised shite ter do the job. If yer can use a Play Station or X-Box then yer can fly a fuckin’ plane – dead easy.”

When asked what would happen if the single pilot suffered a heart attack, O’Weary replied that one of the cabin crew would be trained to land the plane.
"If de pilot has an emergency, like droppin’ dead, he could ring the bell first ter get one of the stewardess’s attention. But if she was busy demonstratin’ how ter use a life jacket - or bonkin’ some rich punter in the bogs who wants his Five Mile High Club membership card updatin’ - then she’d feel the aircraft go inter a dive an’ know instinctively that the pilot had croaked an’ she better get her slack arse inter the cockpit fast.”

However O’Bleary’s moronic suggestion is simply the latest in a long line of penny-pinching wheezes the no-frill budget airline boss has come up with – the most outrageous to date being that Ryanair planes could fly with 'standing room only' areas for passengers on short hauls – a scheme dreamed up while travelling on the London Underground one morning - suggesting they could hang on to a handrail or overhead strap during take-off and landing.

Conversely, O'Weary has turned his Irish Scareways company into one of the world's most profitable airlines by tearing up industry conventions with his 'cattle class' operations – especially so when his Cheap Charlie Charters start charging passengers £1 quid a go to use the aircraft bogs next season.

Can you fly a passenger jet? Would you like to have a go? Would you pay to use the toilet on a plane or just piss in the barf bag? Are you into extreme sports and risk-orientated pastimes? Fly Ryanair today for the fright of your lives - and don't forget your parachute.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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