Minister Spied on Staff at Public’s Expense

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mr Jonathan Djinglejangle, the incumbent Tory MP for Cuntingdon, who enjoyed a meteoric rise from a lowly solicitor pedalling conveyance and divorce, to the lofty rank of Libservative Justice Minister, has finally admitted and declared for the public record that he hired private detectives from Renta-Snitch to investigate his constituency political colleagues due suspecting them of leaking and spreading "malicious" newspaper stories concerning his dodgy dealings that were getting very close to the truth.

The Renta-Snitch gumshoe agency scandal has come to light following a report in the Daily Shitraker wherein questions were raised concerning who paid for the snoop company’s £6,500 quid bill - Djinglejangle personally or was it yet another of his fraudulent claims booked to his MP’s of taxpayer-funded expense account.

These caused a hue and cry furore in 2009 when he was forced to repay £25,000 quid to the House of Conman’s ‘Master of the Piggy Bank’ for nefarious items that included £5,000 nicker for automatic gates for the driveway entrance to his Cambridgeshire mansion, £12,951 for his gardener - and an exorbitant excess of £13,962 quid total for the salary of Minjeeta Slick, his Albanian pikey cleaner who also acted as the au pair and nanny.

The Daily Shitraker established that the cleaner was actually a student who also worked as an au pair and kid-minder, living with Mr Djinglejangle in London at his second home, and travelling with him to the family residence in Cambridgeshire at weekends to expedite light dusting and flower arranging duties – plus baby sit the rugrats.

Apparently Minjeeter had attended several constituency events, where she would serve drinks, and was ‘quite intimate’ with local Tory activist’s wives. She had separately sought work as a nanny by posting her details on a website called PikeyHire.com.

Hence it was speculated that Djinglejangle was using his parliamentary expenses for his main home in Cambridgeshire to subsidise his child care costs by claiming that his au pair was his cleaner – whereas claims for child care – and also mistresses - were not permitted under parliamentary rules.

The Daily Shitraker put the claims to the MP in a letter, sent by email, on July 7th last year. His reply, though polite, suggested he was pissed off about the news rag’s inquiries concerning the nature of his relationship with Miss Minjeeter Slick, as he called the live-in cleaner - who he did finally admit “occasionally massages my ego.”

Djinglejangle, the son of zillionaire Ebeneezer Djinglejangle and heir apparent to the ‘Kike Coats Emporium’ fortune, reportedly suffered from bouts of chronic paranoia and fell victim to several psychotic episodes when his dodgy expense claims were exposed and damning details published in the gutter press tabloids.

Djinglejangle informed the media “Using 20/20 hindsight I can see that I may have overreacted slightly, but I was being subjected to very malicious and anonymous attacks on my character and that was quite upsetting for a person with my highly strung sensibilities – even if the accusations were true.”

Apparently once the entire MP’s expenses scandal was racing away at full gallop, mud-splattered and high in oath by all political parties concerned, a group of Djinglejangle’s constituents – members of the local Freemasons Lodge and Cuntsworth County Council – established a Facebook page titled ‘Let’s Ditch Johnny Dingdong’ – an insulting sobriquet on his actual surname – to undermine his position as MP and force his resignation.

The Daily Shitraker report reveals the MP instructed Renta-Snitch to conduct discreet inquiries under the pretext of writing a newspaper article (read ‘dig some shit up’) to establish the views and opinions of senior constituents and council members regarding his expense claims being labelled ‘blatant acts of petty theft and embezzlement’.

Renta-Snitch’s digging apparently turned up heavy criticism of Mr Djinglejangle locally – especially in the pubs and over the garden fences – and too conveyed via illustrative artwork through the anarchistic graffiti scribed across bus shelters and on public toilet walls.

Djinglejangle was, perhaps, becoming only too aware of rumblings of discontent in his constituency, where some Tories were unhappy with the half-arsed job he was doing and with the fact that he had carried on working as a lawyer with Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot when he should have been devoting his professional attentions to his Cuntingdon constituency 24/7/365.

Further, council members believed he had been selected as a candidate in 2001 as a favour to his predecessor, Sir John Major, whose big boozing cum cottaging buddies included Djinglejangle’s father, Sir Ebeneezer Djinglejangle, the founder of the ‘Kike Coats Emporium’ rag and bone empire, sited in Cuntingdon’s elite Oil Drum Lane.

The actual Facebook protest group was traced to the personal computer ILP of one local Conservative Alderman, Mr Irwin Bogbrush, who had earlier declared Djinglejangle’s wife Chlamydia to be - quote “A right rude little flatulent slapper who has no interest in the local Conservative association whatsoever and has the audacity to fart and then pretend to nod off to sleep in the middle of dinner party political discussions – and that type of offensive behaviour does not go down well in a traditional Tory constituency like Cuntingdon.”

“Regardless of claiming Parliamentary expenses for the amount of £13,000 quid purportedly paid in salary to this Albanian slut for cleaning and child-minding, the fiddling penny-pinching sod continued working at his solicitor’s job with Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot when he got elected as our MP – and that simply isn’t on. Just look at his voting record in the House of Conmans – the man’s a wet fish who sits on the fence – just like fish do. He should be deselected - or dissected - or something.”

Conversely Djinglejangle responded by informing reporters that it was subversive elements of the Cuntingdon Council that had targeted him with an outrageous campaign of character assassination. “I was very angry about all the rumours and the Facebook accusations and insults because I'm a fairly upfront sort of guy – just like Tony Bliar - and I would have much rather these rebellious bastards had come up to me and asked me directly and then I could have dodged my way around any awkward questions without them getting plastered all over the internet and national gutter press tabloids."
“It’s all Irwin Bogbrush’s doing – and his little Masonic cabal on the County Council’s constituency executive committee – that twat’s had it in for me since we were at school and he didn’t get an invite him to my bar-mitzvah.”

Mr Djinglejangle’s predecessor as Cuntingdon MP, former Prime Minister Sir John Major, is reported by The Daily Shitraker to have privately condemned Djinglejangle’s actions as those of a "greedy, grasping little kike prick" and "wholly inappropriate".

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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