Community Service Order Scandal

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The use of community service orders to punish law-breaking juvenile yobs, scallies and generalised scrotes has come under fire after the criminals were filmed sculling cans of Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper lager and smoking biftas while supposedly engaged in their designated CSO duties.

The government's ‘Victims Commissioner’ Rupert Fuctifino told one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that the CSO system was a "holiday camp for offenders" which needed to be abolished – or replaced with cat of nine tails lashings at the public pillory – followed by tar and feathering.

However the first ‘alternative’ punishment has been questioned by the RSPCA over the use of GMO mutant ‘nine-tailed’ moggies and the second tut-tutted by the Health and Safety Executive who raised the danger of spreading avian flu and allergy complications leading to respiratory failure through ‘up close and personal’ contact with ‘feathers’.

The undercover footage from three areas in England followed an investigation by Channel 69’ ‘Scumbags in Focus’ programme.
It comes as Justice Secretary Ken ‘Lardarse’ Clarke considers plans to dole out more numpty Asbo's and community punishments on offenders rather than prison sentences.

However, Victims Commissioner Fuctifino, who helped design and evolve the faulty Community Payback scheme, claims the current set-up is disgraceful and called for a radical 360 degree revolution in the way it is implemented.

“Every time we order someone to go on pavement licking duties they simply tell us to “Fuck off!” We assigned a group of offenders to firewood duties recently – just cutting and distribution – and they chopped all the trees down around Doggers Wood. The furniture removals team turned their job into a fiasco when they burgled several houses on the estate and the telly’s ended up at Cash Converters.”

”Don’t even ask about the beach cleaning project as the team assigned to Smegmadale-on-Sea claimed it was too cold and windy so they buggered off to Majorca and logged up 200 hours each at the council’s expense chatting up totty on the beach at Palma – all signed off by the local Guardia. That I blame on this Brussels regulation thing where they can serve their CSO sentence anywhere in one of the EUSSR’s 27 states.”

In Smegmadale, Ghengis McTwatt, a 16-year old repeat offender who was studying for his O-Level GCSE in Benefit Fraud until the Asbo Central High School burned down, told Channel 69’ ‘Scumbags in Focus’ programme the CSO scheme didn’t deter him from crime – especially acts of arson against educational institutes.

Accompanied by a pair of skanks from his personal stable of bitches, specifically Feral Beryl McSlagg and Butch Bev Titwank, both of Slapper Hamlets sink or swim housing estate, young Ghengis confided “Basically yer getting’ yer arse outa bed in a mornin’ an’ turn up at the Community Service thingy an’ some soft do-gooder twat wiv a diploma in Social Engineering from that fucked up Common Purpose place sez “You do this or that” – so yer tell ‘em ter get fucked an’ sit down wiv yer mates an’ watch the telly an’ swig a few cans of lager an’ smoke a coupla biftas.”

“Like last week when me phone had no credit so we eff’s off down ter the local Paki’ Stop n Rob on Scumdale Estate an’ blag the place fer ciggies an’ six packs an’ do the till as well – then piss off back ter the Community Service centre an’ tell ‘em any old bullshit – an’ spend the afternoon textin’ totty an’ getting’ stoned outa yer effin’ head.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.