Monday, 13 September 2010

Eggs Benedict Goes Postal

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A US man killed himself after going postal and shooting dead five people, including his wife and mother-in-law, in an argument over how he preferred his breakfast eggs served – over easy and ‘not’ sunny side up – and definitely no bits of shell in them.

Billy Bob ‘Eggs’ Benedict, 69, an unemployed possum strangler, went on the killing spree around his home at the Mutant Inbreeds trailer park in Redneck County, Kentucky – by initially chasing his wife Titsy into a neighbouring trailer where he beat her to death with a frying pan while repeatedly shouting “Over-fuckin'-easy, bitch! - Over-fuckin'-easy!”

The murder rampage then kick-started big time with Benedict snuffing his mother-in-law and three witnesses with a Colt Python .357 handgun when they tried to reason with him that sunny side up eggs tasted just as good as over-easy.

State troopers informed reporters that Benedict had shot neighbour Fellattia Gammer twice after she called him a ‘homicidal nutcase’ while her eldest daughter Chlamydia – a 14-year old mother of three – screamed 'Please, please don't shoot me, Mister – I’ll cook you some up over-easy!” – then escaped the trailer on the pretext of checking the chicken coop for a couple of fresh laid yolkers.

Other neighbours, who fled in terror during the rampage, related that after snuffing the remaining members of the Gammer family when Chlamydia failed to return with the promised eggs, Benedict then sat on the trailer steps and called out “What the fuck’s there left to live for if ya can’t get a decent breakfast anymore” – then turned the gun on himself.

Bizarre this episode may well be to the bemused and smirking gutter press hacks and television media pundits reporting the sanguine details of what might, to many, constitute no more than a trivial incident to be the reason and cause of such mayhem – but not to the record of history where food is concerned.

The Guinness Book index reveals that the most common reason for divorces being filed by men in Britain is not due rebuttals for a blow job or a leg-over but the intransigence of their female partners to accommodate their dietary requirements where ‘boiled’ eggs are concerned – with the main complaint being ‘hard boiled’ when they beseech for a slightly runny yolk but well-cooked white.

In the summer of 1998 a French waiter was stabbed to death with a fork in a Parisian hotel coffee shop after he purposely – and with malice aforethought - served a group of German tourists slices of burned toast with their breakfast – which resulted in a bitter exchange of violent push and shove recriminations concerning the invasion of France by the Kaiser and then the Nazis during the course of two 20th Century World Wars.

As recently as 2007 a London-based McD’s Chew n Spew fast food outlet manager had his head torn off by a gang of enraged Jolly Jihad Muslim religious students attending the madrassa of the neighbouring mosque who were served none-halal ‘Spicy Stinger Burgers’ – which they had half-consumed before realising they were composed of minced pig.

The incident, deemed to be a deliberate act, caused international sectarian repercussions that reverberated across the Islamic world, resulting in the entire McD’s Chew n Spew chain being issued with a blanket fatwa.

To close, looking back through the mists of history we have the occasion where King Herod Antipas of Judea, a renowned curmudgeon due a chronic ingrown foreskin complaint, ordered the royal cook scourged, then skinned and burned alive for transgressing one of Herod’s many unwritten laws.
Reference the Gospel of Matthew 14:35 – 38 : “And Herod was much aggrieved and did smiteth verily his cook, a Samarian known as Nump, for he did serve unto the King’s table foul mutton dresseth as lamb”.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of eggs were placed in one basket and hatched en masse.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of high cholesterol omelette.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

No comments: