Sunday, 5 September 2010

Pensioner Couple Fined for Painting Fence

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Smegmadale-on-Sea couple who painted their side of a garden fence have been fined a numpty-dumpty £80 quid for causing a breach of Section 4A of the Public Order Act 1986 - plus criminal damages.

The hapless couple were arbitrarily slapped with the fine after their next-door neighbour, a certain Mrs Hilda McSlagg - who owns and runs the adjacent Pikeyrama Car Boot Emporium - complained to the police that it was actually her fence, and flecks of brown paint had splashed and migrated onto the other side - which she had painted a delicate shade of fluorescent Barbie Doll pink - with a vomit-green border.

PCSO officers from the town’s Renta-Thug security agency, assigned to the local Plod Squad, visited the 96-year old Mrs Bev Titwank and her husband Wilf to investigate the complaint - who were threatened with a good kicking plus a court prosecution if they refused to accept the £80 nicker on-the-spot fine.

Their whingeing neighbour had filed complaints with the local council offices and the police that the paint job - in a shade described by Mr Titwank as Diarrocha Brown - had ruined the art nouveau finish on her side of the six foot high fence.

When the couple told the PCSO’s to stick the fine up their proverbial jacksy, the following morning their front door was booted in at 5.00am, with Sergeant Bazzer Moronsky of the Smegmashire SWAT Squad, leading a team of armed Cro-Magnons in uniform, who arrested husband Wilf as he was the one responsible for the dodgy paint job.

Mrs Titwank told a reporter from the Gung Ho Gazette “When the effin’ plods kicked the door in I shit meself cos I sees this red spot in the middle of me chest – then they tasered poor Wilfie for sweet fuck all an’ dragged him off in handcuffs - an’ one of the bastard plods booted me pet tortoise off the lawn an’ over the garden hedge fer nowt - apart from the fact he’s a scally twat.”

“The fence was gettin’ all dried out an’ flaky an’ startin’ ter warp – a bit like me an’ Wilf - so we thought we'd paint it a shitty brown colour ter match the rest of the fences down our road. Wilf was very careful an’ used a brush rather than a sprayer, but a wee bit must have got through the fence when he started paintin’ again after he came back from the pub in the afternoon – pissed as a rat as usual.”

“Then that old bat of a slapper from next door – Mrs McSlagg - comes around an’ starts bangin’ like hell on the effin’ gate an’ carryin’ on an’ creatin’ an’ effin’ scene over a few spots of brown paint.”
“So then Wilfie gets all pissed off like an’ wang goes his blood pressure an’ he sez her garden an’ yard’s like a shithole cos of all the gyppo car boot crap she’s got lyin’ around an’ if she’s not careful he’ll report her ter the council sanitation department fer all the rats wot’s infestin’ her place. Then she gobs off back an’ sez “Me nephew Kostas is a PCSO an’ I’m gonna get him an’ his mates ter stitch you two up.”

PC Fellattia Gammer, spokeswoman for the local police authority, informed the gutter press “The officers involved gave this situation as much consideration as their limited IQ’s could manage, and decided that was the best way to deal with the situation at the time. However, we have now reviewed the case and the fine will be rescinded and refunded before the newspapers and TV media make the Smegmadale-on-Sea police force out to be a thicker set of stupid morons than they already have.”

Do you live in the area? Have you had your fence painted recently? Do pikey PCSO’s come round harassing you? Would you paint anything Barbie Doll pink? Have you ever watch paint dry? Do you find it more entertaining than watching Sky TV?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a gallon tin of all-weather enamel gloss Diarrocha Brown paint.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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