Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The Afghan President Hamid Kami Karzai has apparently spit the proverbial dummy after being presented with irrefutable evidence that the US forces which invaded his country in October 2001 and stuck him on his Muppet Throne have been fielding criminal ‘black op’s’ teams to kill Afghan civilians.
An unlucky ‘Baker’s Dozen’ of 13 US troops are to face charges over a secret "snuff team" that allegedly blew up and shot Afghan civilians at random and collected their ears and fingers – and more personal items of anatomy - as trophies of war – a cornucopia of which have recently been put up for sale on the Internet’s eBay online auction website – including one necklace comprised of severed testicles with a goatherd’s penis as the centre piece.
Privates Andy ‘Cyclops’ Scumm, ‘Mad Mike’ Thugg, Jerry ‘Rabies’ Moron, Jacko ‘Cunthooks’ Scabb and Draco ‘Vampire’ Scrote are the five Cro-Magnon Battalion’s soldiers who face murder charges after the eBay sales were traced back to a computer ILP at their Camp Shitpot barracks in Bellend Province.
While the five soldiers assigned to NATO’s unrelenting ‘Project Kill Every Fucker’ are charged with murdering scores of Afghan civilians – men, women and children – and definitely anyone spied stuck up the arse end of a goat or wearing a burkha - seven others military personnel - including NCO's and officers - are accused of conspiracy to cover up the killings.
This latest revelation regarding atrocities carried out by the blood-lusting barbarians comprising the immature ranks of the American forces are the most serious accusations of war crimes to emerge from the Afghan conflict since last week’s scandalous report of US troops playing a game of ‘Slam Dunk the Baby’ in Kandybar Province after they had spent the afternoon smoking raw opium while crashed out in a nearby poppy field.
According to NATO whistleblowers and leaked legal documents turned over to Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers war crimes watchdog charity, the random murders of Afghan civilians began after the arrival of Staff Sergeant Ghengis McTwatt at Forward Operating Base Buttfuck in Bellend Province last November.
One stoolie, who spoke with a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette on conditions of total anonymity (Cpl Billy Bob Blabberwocky) had informed the army's Criminal Investigation Command that Sgt McTwatt boasted to the troopers assigned to ‘Project Kill Every Fucker’ of the nefarious criminal deeds he got away with while serving in Iraq and mentioned how easy it would be to toss a frag’ grenade into some hapless Afghan’s front room one night while they’re all sat around the telly watching porno’ replays of ‘Fatima does Fallujah’ and kill them all.
Apparently Sgt McTwatt was fired from his post as a Welfare Officer at Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib Prison after being caught by Red Cross inspectors with his erect penis jammed in one Iraqi prisoner’s ear – claiming he was trying to ‘fuck some common sense into him’.
McTwatt was then summarily dismissed and shipped out to NATO’s Operation Enduring Warfare in Afghanistan, assigned to the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment’s ‘Cro-Magnon Battalion’.
The Taliban Times news tabloid reported that under the scrutiny and direct orders of Sgt McTwatt, the soldiers collected the fingers, ears and genitals of their victims as souvenirs and posed for photographs while copulating with the naked bodies of any Afghan female they’d snuffed as part of their initiation into the regiment’s Necrophilia Club.
The charges are to be reviewed by a military grand jury later next year which will decide if anyone still remembers the case and if the army can afford a court martial.
Meanwhile lawyers for Sgt McTwatt are seeking to have the charges of conspiracy to incite murder filed against their client summarily dismissed as he was under the influence of prescription drugs and opium taken to relieve the pain caused by earlier injuries sustained in a Kabul nightclub fight – which had left him suffering from traumatic brain damage and hence not responsible for his actions.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
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