Sunday, 5 September 2010

Rooney Bilks Preggers Coleen with Hookers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

While childhood sweetheart Mrs Coleen Rooney might not be up for sessions of rampant sex during her current pregnant situation and carrying their next Scouse sprog (kiddie number one is called Koi – named after Wayne’s pet Chinese carp) her erring Shrek look-alike hubby has missed no opportunity in emptying his sack into a variety of local sluts-for-hire.

The Sunday Scandalmonger’s front and inside pages are plastered with photos of whore-for-hire Jenny McSkank, a 24-year old Bolton bitch who holds a bachelor’s degree in Slapperology and claims to have bedded Rooney for £1,000 cash-in-hand per session – rising to £1,200 if she had to play the three hole slut - and suck and swallow too.
“Shrekkie wanted me and me mate Fellattia together – not fer a lesbo scene but the two of us ter fuck him. Really, after havin’ sex wiv the useless pissy-arsed twat yer can see why he couldn’t get it up an’ slam one inter the back of the net at the World Cup thingy in Woga-Woga Land."

McSkank’s revelations may well moralise that when she visited Rooney’s home in Prestbury’s prestigious Vulgarians Village she refused to sleep in his matrimonial bed while shopaholic Coleen was away having a botox booster – yet seems to miss the irony and hypocrisy of selling and publicising her sordid concoction of a story to a gutter press tabloid for several thousand pieces of silver – and potentially making a total bollocks of Rooney’s fubar marriage – and reputation - at the same time.

However revelations concerning the £1,000,000 quid per week Man’ U’ striker bonking crack whore Jenny McSkank are just the rumblings of a sordid and immoral volcanic scandal about to erupt on a Biblical scale as the Daily Shitraker gets set to publish details that Wayne the Wanker has been flaunting members of the Bangkok Ladyboys troupe on his arm around Manchester’s city centre night spots and the notorious 69-69 Casino.

Chi-Chi, (formerly Frank) a Thai pre-op’ trans-sexual front line chorus ‘girl’ with the ‘Ladyboys’ extravaganza, currently performing at Salford Quays Lowry Centre, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “Wayne’s simply trying to connect with the feminine side of his psyche – and he adores getting banged up the arse just as much as I do. Plus he says I’m a lot gentler than when Alex Ferguson and Flabbio Capello give him a good fucking.”

Thought for the day: Well, at least Rooney’s moved on from bonking pension-age grannies at Toxteth’s notorious Happy Ending rub n tug massage parlour for £45 nicker a toss (sic) – even if the shift’s to younger hookers and erotic Thai blokes dressed as women – and equipped with a cock as big as your own.

Do you resemble Cro-Magnon Man or Shrek? Can you kick a football into a 24 x 8 foot goalmouth without missing it? Would you pay £1,200 quid to shag some dodgy slut from Canal Street? Did McSkank declare those cash-in-hand immoral earnings on her last tax return? Do you ever fantasise about having clusterfuck sex with a couple of exotic Thai ladyboys?

Send your comments in complete confidence of anonymity using the online reply form below and you could win a front row High Court seat at the Rooney divorce proceedings – date, time and place yet to be announced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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