Tuesday, 14 September 2010

GMP Plan ‘Adopt-a-Plod’ Scheme

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Greater Manchester Police, under orders from Britain’s new Libservative penny pinching government to cut their spending (read policing force) by 25%, are planning to follow the route of Third World charities that seek donations to support the education of deprived children - instanced by advertisements such as “£2 quid a month will fund little O’Dinga to go to school – and pay for his sister’s abortion”.

Chief Constable Ghengis McTwatt told one reporter from the Skinflints Gazette that the cuts will have a very negative impact on policing – especially when the legions of low-life yobs and scallies comprising the general population of Manchester’s sink or swim housing estates become aware of the situation’s criminal opportunities and declare en masse “Fuck this Asbo shit” and depart their slums and head for the big city to engage in profitable rape and pillage excursions – knowing full well there will be no police force around to prevent their nefarious activities.

“What we are intending, based on the concept of the “Save a Golly” charity schemes, is an appeal to the public to “Adopt a Plod” – then we can pre-empt and prevent outbreaks vigilantism and street corner lynchings. Our plods are pretty resilient types of blokes – especially the butch dyke contingent - and if a neighbourhood decide to chuck a few quid a week each into the kitty then they can have a couple of armed officers doss out in someone’s garden shed – or a bus shelter – and keep an eye on things and stamp down on anti-social behaviour and burglary.”
“It would run something like: “Save one of our plods from the Jobcentre queue and sleep easy at night.”

The draconic ‘hack and slash’ reductions proposed by Posh Dave Scameron’s Libservative coalition government to the police budgets in England and Wales have totally ignored, in the Cassandra-fashion so typical of the Tories unqualified arrogance, dire warnings of a burgeoning rise in the crime rate should the cuts be implemented.

The budget reductions will initially total 25% for 2010 to 2011 - in line with other government cutbacks to welfare benefits – and domestic public services such as coffin-dodging care homes, fire brigades, NHS hospital staffing and venereal disease clinics – to be followed by a further 10% of cuts in 2012 – in the run-up to the prophesied end of the world Apocalypse in December.

The GMP’s head of finance, Morton Scrunt, told the media “While every effort has been made to reduce our corporate costs, inevitably there will be fewer posts overall and that will have a negative impact on policing – hence we’re advising members of the public – especially home owners who haven’t yet pawned all their worldly possessions to pay the bills and eat - and still have something worth stealing – to invest in a couple of baseball bats or a nasty Pit Bull terrier with an attitude problem to deter burglars.”

Chief Constable McTwatt added "While the full extent of cuts is still with the GMP’s Guesstimates Department, we are working on a range of assumptions and planning to ensure that front-line services are maintained - to protect banks and town halls and council offices from the ravages of an irate general public who deem anarchy a preferred option to their current state of Libservative mis-government.”

Thought for the day: As Britain is fast becoming a Third World dump due a succession of incompetent governments – starting with Thatcher’s de-industrialisation of a nation made Great by industry, one is reminded of Tory PM Harold Macmillan’s slightly misquoted comments at a party function in1957, where he declared for the public record concerning the state of the national economy and the fiscal condition and lifestyles of the British peasant classes “You’ve never had it so good.”

To reflect on that and what we are faced with today, the fudging old poofter was spot on correct.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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