Friday, 17 September 2010

London Debut for Cheap Charlie Hotels

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A budget hotel has officially opened its doors in the UK - becoming the latest to take the low cost airline business model to the hospitality industry – one that is so cheap even tramps, dossers and homeless people can afford to stay there on housing benefit.

For a no-frills place to crash out for the night following a boozy pub crawl around the city – or to bang the arse of your secretary or some other cheap slut during the afternoon, the decor of the Scumborough Hamlets Tune Hotel is precisely what one might expect for a £ fiver per night accommodation – straw and sawdust on the floors, newspapers for bedsheets, and a cold water faucet with a bucket and ladle parked right next to the crapper (bog seat at extra charge).

It also boasts of a central London location, and from some of the rooms that are fitted with a window (extra charge) a view of the new Battersea Landfill site with its hovering flocks of shit-speckled scavenging seagulls can be glimpsed in between the power station’s cooling towers – smog permitting.

The standard room charge is £5 quid, however early bookings can secure cheaper rates for longer stays – with loyalty cards available for those checking in for regular afternoon bonking sessions. However, to prevent prices escalating guests may have to find room in their suitcases for the little extras that are complimentary elsewhere – such as a bed, mattress, sheets, duvet, pillows, towels and soap,– plus bog rolls and light bulbs (electricity by meter).

The Tune Hotel chain charge £3 for a single bed – with mattress, £2 for a duvet, 50p each for pillows, £1.50 for a towel, 25p for a lozenge-sized bar of soap, £3 each day to use the television – plus a £1 quid extra for a remote control, £1 per stay to use the hairdryer, £1 per toilet flush and another £2 to checkout and leave the dump.

The management team claim their research revealed that many people neither want nor need all the hotel services that traditional chains offer, and end up paying for what they don't use – such as bath robes, bidets, shower caps, toilet paper and coat hangers.

The Tune chain already have seven hotels operating in Malaysia and two in Indonesia, with the company claiming they offer two-star luxury at one-star prices. Conversely, Lester McTwatt, editor of the Plundered Planet travel magazine opined “The Tune hotel I stayed at in Jakarta is a converted pig farm, which wouldn’t be a problem if they’d actually shovelled all the pig shit up out of the sties before layin’ the effin’ carpets. One piece of advice though – don’t drink the water – I had a dose of ballistic diarrhoea after my stay that’s left me arsehole feelin’ like a ruptured tulip.”

The Michelin Guide actually recommends the Tune Hotel chain to anyone with sado-masochistic tendencies – and highly suitable for self-harming types who don’t want to go lashing out on their credit cards if they’re only planning on using the room to commit suicide.
Michelin spokeswoman Bev Titwank explained to the media “An overnight stay in one of Tune’s hotels will suit Trappist monks down to the ground – literally. They’ll further serve any innocent tourist well by conveying a sense of what it would like to serve a prison sentence in a Third World jail – or be living in the Gaza Strip - as their rooms are modelled on the basic precept of how little space a human needs to live – 8 square metres – which is synonymous with the Defra requirement for battery house hens.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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