MI6 Code-Breaker Verdict: Misadventure

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The decomposing body of GCHQ code breaker cum MI6 spook, Taffy Williams that was discovered in his Alderney Street apartment in London last month, sparking a major police investigation and a flurry of speculation and rumours over how he actually died, is still to be laid to rest.

The Met’s bungling Plod Squad have been working on the wholly conflicting theories that Williams was quite possibly the victim of a random burglary killing, or assassinated by KGB agents – or the target of Muslim terrorists - but the difficulty in concealing evidence and covering up the actual truth at the same time has prompted detectives to resort to poking around in cheap spy fiction novels for a few ideas that might pass muster at the inquest.

According to the Daliy Shitraker, officers are now touting the hypothesis that the 31-year-old died after an onanistic sex game went tits up.
Detective Inspector Bazzer Fuctifino related to one reporter from the Guessology Review that Williams may have climbed into the sports bag unassisted and of his own accord as part of an erotic asphyxiation ritual and then been unable to extricate himself from the dilemma.
Although the bag, which was found in Williams' bath tub, was locked, the key (read ‘a key’) for the padlock was discovered inside the holdall.

PC Sapphie Dildodo, a female member of the police team investigating his death, has apparently managed to recreate the scenario, by climbing into an identical bag, zipping it up, then padlocking it from the inside and giving herself one with a 12 inch cucumber while holding her breath.
(see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12inchcucumber )

This numpty claim is the latest in a series of bizarre reports being purposely leaked concerning the code breaker's death and private life to wholly confuse the issue. Some of the lurid rumours have prompted his family to suggest that Williams may be the victim of a smear campaign – or an assisted suicide job alike Dr David Kelly – for something he had come across and seen in his professional capacity that he wasn’t supposed to.

Hence the haunting speculation in the gutter press that he was the victim of a professional hit is given credence since details of his GCHQ work and assignment to MI6 were disclosed. Oh yes, conspiracy theorists fill your boots.

Williams’ family have publicly voiced their disappointment with the lack of credible progress in the investigation and the failure of two post-mortems undertaken by Home Office pathologist Dr Freddy Patel to identify a cause of death, that they are reported to have requested the release of his body so they can commission their own tests.

Further, they have responded with condemnation the rumours suggesting Taffy was involved in risky sexual practices, claiming such scandalous speculation was very distressing – the more so if it was proven true and his death was due having a wank while holding his breath.

Post-mortem examinations found no obvious cause of death – apart from several stab wounds and bullet holes in his back - and initial indications from toxicology tests showed no trace of any alcohol or recreational drugs.
One Plod Squad spokesman informed the media there was no evidence of a forced entry to his flat in Alderney Street, no signs of disturbance inside, and no property was believed to be missing – apart from the very hush-hush items removed by the MI6 spooks.

In total contradiction to this latter statement, the policeman who found his body reported it was submerged in a white ‘fluid’. This disclosure that he was covered with liquid – too lactescent and thick to be blood or water – has raised suspicions that a substance known as ‘whitewash’ was used to complicate toxicology tests and conceal the real evidence of the cause of death.

Thought for the day: Was Williams dosed with Polonium 84 on a suppository or butt plug? Can Kryptonite kill without leaving a trace? Was Sweltering Sydney Greenfeet really the Fat Man picked up on CCTV in the communal entrance to the apartment block with some Mediterranean trollop? Are the manky Mossad involved? Had he taken Co-proxamol prior to the ‘wank in a bag’ episode? Was a blunt gardening penknife found at the scene? Did the Met’s Plod Squad start to search for William’s before he went missing?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.