Plods Issue Lettuce Head Shit-Fit

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Smegmashire Plod Squad today defended their decision to issue an e-fit image of a robbery suspect who appeared to have a lettuce on his head.
Detective Inspector Bazzer McNumpty told a reporter from the Fubar Gazette that his officers issued the picture to try to trace a distraction thief who stole a full bag of Easy Chew dog biscuits from 96-year old Hilda Scrunt while she was sat at a bus stop on the Smegmadale-on-Sea promenade – with the offender described as resembling a slanty-eyed sun-tanned version of Joseph Goebbels but around 20 to 50 years of age with Rastafarian dreadlocks that resembled broccoli florets.

Apparently the thief posed as a Community Enforcement snoop and distracted Mrs Scrunt’s attentions by demanding to see the road tax disc and MOT certificate for her wheeled Zimmer frame.
However the resulting e-fit showed the man with green hair, which amused local residents, who fell over in laughter, claiming it looked like a lettuce on his head. Officers said a technical problem might have caused the unusual hair colour - or the fact the e-fit machine operator, PC Des Fuctifino was colour blind, but reluctantly conceded it was not a better sample of their work.

Police spokeswoman Fellattia Gammer informed giggling media hacks "Really, will you blokes please cut the bullshit. We make every effort to ensure that the e-fits we circulate are as accurate and detailed as they possibly can be from the description provided by the witness – and I suppose that was the nearest PC Fuctifino could get to dreadlocks – or broccoli florets."

"This is borne out by the excellent quality and detail contained within the facial features – apart from the fact the guy has three eyes and one ear – and no bottom lip. But we’d never release an e-fit for circulation if a victim disagreed or was unhappy with it - and in this instance Mrs Scrunt took one look at it and said “That’s Goebbels - the scally bastard wot nicked me effin’ biscuits!”

Detective Constable Sapphie Dildodo announced to the press that the suspect should not be approached by members of the public unless they have extensive training in the role of gardener or greengrocer – and the said suspect is to be considered mad, bad and dangerous to know. The Smegmadale-on-Sea police would like to hear from anyone who had information about the theft or who might have had any lettuce or broccoli stolen from their kitchen garden or greenhouse.

Police have denied rumours that their investigations are now being focused on staff working at the town’s local Slug and Lettuce bar and restaurant, describing such as “wholly preposterous – an utter canard.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy or brassicas.