Saturday, 18 September 2010

UK University Boasts Mega IQ Cemetery

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Ascension graveyard adjoining St Sodom’s Church of Latter Day Catamites (whose existence as a place of worship was recorded in the 1086-compiled Norman Domesday Book) which is sited opposite the entrance to Smegmadale University – founded by Rampant Rufus Plantagenet (1157-1193) - is reputed to boast the greatest collection of interred high IQs on the planet, according to a recent article in the Blabberwocky Gazette, authored by Gilchrist Gizzledork, the university gardener.

“The Ascension Burial Ground might have more IQ interred in one acre than any other in the world, and it's one of Smegmadale's best kept secrets - scarcely known to local people, let alone the thousands of grave robbers and body snatchers – and shit-for-brains tourists who visit the city each year to mooch around and paddle and punt on the River Smeg,” Gizzledork informed a reporter from the Mausoleum Gazette.

Perhaps it's best kept that way, to preserve the unique charm and peacefulness of its Gothic seclusion. A galaxy of stellar talent lies buried therein – a micro-Necropolis of the distinguished dead. The story of academic life, of the birth of whole new disciplines since Saxon times, can be told through those who have their resting place in the Ascension graveyard.

Far and away the most sought-out tomb is that of the Regency harlot, and perhaps the greatest bisexual bawdy house madam and celebrity Dominatrix of the 18th century – Fellattia Dildodo – who is reputed to have spanked the arses of England’s royal elite and rogered every member of the House of Lords with her strap-on ‘godemiche’. BD/SM aficionados come from across the five continents to kneel at her graveside and pay homage by flagellating their bared backs with a knotted tomcat as they masturbate over her harpy-capped headstone.

This too is the point of pilgrimage and homage for legions of anarchists and revolutionary wannabees from around the globe who come to show their respects at the graveside of the dismembered martyr, Terrel the Twatt, a Smeg Island barrack room lawyer and all-round Lollard agitator who told it just the way it was – much to the joint ire and annoyance of King Richard II and his grumpy Regent uncle - John of Gaunt.

Terrel was hung, drawn and quartered, then burned at the stake and his bones ground to dust under the millstone for his role in fermenting and leading the Peasant’s Revolt in 1381 against a Thatcher-style Poll Tax – a crime that today would incur no more than a 50 hour unpaid Community Service Order.

In death, as in life, Terrel refused to utter more than verifiable truths – with his gravestone marked simply as Terrel the Twatt – with his date of birth and expiry.
Such a contrast this, in comparison with the pompous CVs and florid sentiments that adorn the neighbouring grave slabs and headstones of lesser men and forgotten Victorian dons who continued to flaunt their airs and graces into the afterlife.

A mere three strides – or eight cubits distance to the east is the resting place of pioneering abortionist Wackford Darwin – the first person to terminate a pregnancy using gunpowder.
Wackford was the younger brother of the celebrated Elizabethan inventor of the clockwork tortoise, Sir Mandrake Darwin – whose 19th Century descendent Charles Darwin decried the Creation theories of religious superstition and provoked cause for Victorian zoo visitors to treat their distant anthropoid relatives with a little more reverence – and a regular supply of fresh bananas.

Under an aging yew lies AC Benson, the 28th Master of Fudgers College and the author who wrote the words for the iconic ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ on the bog wall of the House of Conmans toilets in 1902, where inspiration overtook him during an emergency visit brought on by acute diarrhoea after a plate of tripe and onions in the Parliamentary canteen.

Here too lie the mortal remains of John ‘the Couch’ Adams, the astronomer whose applied number crunching with vector calculus while reclining on the Royal Society-funded Smega Observatory sofa, coupled with sessions of inebriated and hashish-fuelled crystal ball scrying with his live-in pyppo pikey trollop, predicted the existence of the planet Neptune in 1845 – a year prior to it being visually pinpointed by the sober Johann Galle through his Berlin-based telescope.

One grave, adorned and resplendent with a Celtic Cross and marble sylphs and cherubs is the final resting place of the villainous Sir Basil de Bonkers von Nonsense, a member of the notorious Hellfire Club, who during a 1753 meeting of the University’s prestigious Lucullus Dining Club - renown for its gourmet trough-swilling feasts and whoring sessions – boasted he could eat two more taters than a pig – then actually guzzled and drank so much (a firkin of pickled herrings and two buckets of strong sack) he keeled over and vented a tremendous burst of flatulence which blasted the seat out of his trousers and left the round table and epergne covered in diarrhoea and intestines.

The Lucullus Club minutes for that particular occasion recorded “It was a most messy follow-through, but such is the price of gluttony." Sir Basil’s headstone epitaph reads “Alas poor Basil – He ate all the pies”. One point of interest is that Sir Basil was a direct bloodline ancestor of the current incumbent Mayor of London, the eccentric blonde thatched Bonkers Boris de Nonsense.

A recent count by Mr Gizzledork estimated Smegmadale’s Ascension graveyard is the final resting place of three Nobel Prize winners – and scores more who were blasted to smithereens during their engagement in the conflicts of warfare by Alfie Nobel’s diabolical invention – Dynamite.

The church records show there are seven members of the Order of Merit, and over sixty who have entries in the Oxford Dictionary of National Biography - and too the Sex Offenders Register: classicists, chiropodists, historians, ferret combers, poets, bus drivers, philosophers, Freemasons, members of the nobility and the decadent clergy - and a host of dodgy politicians.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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