Thursday, 2 September 2010

Libservatives Plan Lean & Mean Military

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Basil Brush look-alike Dr Liam Fox has gone public with the fact the Ministry of Defence must become leaner and meaner to help tackle the kikester’s purposely engineered deficit in Britain’s finances – sabotaged to perfection by thirteen years of New Labour misgovernment under Gordon Broon’s and Alastair Darling’s inept chancellorships.
The defence secretary further indicated there would be fewer civil servants and senior officers around come Spring as he planned a massive cull to ensure enough money was devoted to the front line for use by the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and the 18th Body Bag Brigade in Afghanistan.

While Fox was evasive concerning what jobs and equipment would be slashed he did admit cutting the deficit would be ‘difficult and painful’ – especially so for those squaddies on the Afghan front line in Bellend Province who haven’t yet received their body armour, tin hats and boots.

“The Army, Navy and Air Force, collectively known as the Armed Forces, will, due to drastic budgetary cut-backs, in future be known as the Unarmed Forces.”
“I intend to reorganise the Army into three simple areas – those alive and fighting on our neo-colonial battle fronts in the Third World – then those who are guarding our poppy crops and the stupid Trans-Afghan gas pipeline - and then those who are careless enough to get themselves shot and killed at Deep Throat Barracks while in training – who’ll be off payroll forthwith.”

“Seriously, this strategy will see a leaner and less centralised organisation – especially so when I start slashing running costs by 25% and put my foot down with a firm hand concerning the fact that while the Army has just 100,000 soldiers, the MoD has 85,000 civil servants working for it – the majority of which will face the decision of take up the Queen’s shilling – or join the Jobcentre queue.”

In an after dinner speech at Whitehall’s salacious ‘Happy Ending Rub n Tug Massage Parlour’, Dr Fox told the assembled military top brass that his flying visit to Afghanistan recently had been one of ‘shock and awe’ for him – relating “Good grief, these men are actually getting shot at by some squirly Islamic religious types called the Taliban – and with real bullets too. This isn’t a game and our blokes don’t even have a decent flush crapper to take a poo.”

Alas, such was Posh Dave Scameron’s imprudent choice for Minister of Defence – Liam Fox – MP for suburban Woodworm. A man who has never done military service nor heard a shot fired in anger. Wholly lacking in first-hand knowledge and skills of anything military - apart from being given a fort as a Christmas present when he was 9-years old.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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