CERN LHC Destroying Planet

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the Poxford Institute for Advanced Guessology, backed by research from a host of conspiracy theory websites and several Doomsday cults, now indicates that the Great Rapture and End of the World foretold by the Mayan shamans in their calendar to occur on the 21st December 2012 is to be pre-empted later in 2010 or early in 2011 – hopefully 'after' this year’s Festive Season holidays - due the CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research) Large Hadron Collider producing strangelets (over 10 Tev Pb-pb collisions) and perpendicular gravity waves - thus distorting the planets magnetic frequency and the space-time continuum – hence creating a mini black hole in the centre of the Earth’s molten magma.

So even the most die-hard conspiracy theorists are holding their hands up and saying ‘Whoops, sorry’ over their accusations that the US government’s Tesla-designed HAARP scalar weapon array in Alaska was responsible for the frequent instances of aberrant and bizarre weather conditions and climate change , plus the tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanoes that have been plaguing the planet’s geo-structure since 29th November 2009 when the Geneva-based CERN Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator was finally kick-started and twatted a few protons and lead ions in its search for the elusive God-Creation particle.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is a gigantic scientific instrument sited near Geneva, where it spans the border between Switzerland and France about 100 meters underground and can fire a proton beam at 186,000 miles per second – squared – a speed referred to by physicists as “very, very fast”.

While originally designed to sharpen razor blades, mummify dead cats, make yoghourt and forecast the winning numbers for the weekly Euro Millions Lotto, a group of beardies and anoraks came up with the whizzing concept that perhaps they could use it to actually ‘talk’ with God – and, unlike the highly faulty medium of going down on your knees in prayer to communicate with Divine Providence, perhaps even get an answer back.

Mr Hector Bogbrush, an unemployed tortoise polisher, who frequents Trafalgar Square and the central London streets wearing his End of the World is Nigh sandwich board had this to say to a reporter from the Apocalypse Gazette.
“It’s that CERM LHC thingy wot made Mount Whatafuckup in Iceland erupt an’ all the air flights got cancelled cos of the dust an’ shit pollutin’ the atmosphere an’ me an’ the missus got stuck in Majorca fer an extra week cos we couldn’t fly back ter Luton.”

“Plus I’ll bet it’s wot’s killin’ all the effin’ bees off – not pesticides an’ cell phone electro-radiation smog. Every time they switch the fuckin’ thing on me rheumatic starts playin’ up an’ me pacemaker keeps makin’ this weird buzzin’ noise. We complained ter our MP - an’ the local council here at Skidrow Hamlets too, but they don’t give a flyin’ fuck, do they, I ask yer.”
“Just you take a look at last weekend wot the buggers did – created a bunch of perpendicular gravitational waves wot affected the Antipodes an’ half of New Zealand fell over an’ moved 11 feet ter the effin’ East.”
“Mark my world, before the year’s out these twats are gonna cause a major paradigm shift in the time-space continuum and then it’s Armageddon time an' we’re all gonna be fucked.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of divine protons were transmogrified.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of the God particle.

Thought for the day: The first time the machine was switched on, before it went into self-destruct mode - four catastrophic earthquakes over 6.0 on the Richter scale hit the Earth (6.1 Iran, 11.00:35; 6.6 Atlantic, 13:08; 6.6 Indonesia, 00.00; 6.9 Hokkaido 00:20) . The first one, within seconds of switching on the LHC, occurred in Iran with seismologists pontificating if it was related, but being evil old ‘Iran’, it seems the alarm didn’t sound too loudly.

So, for 2010 we have to date, seven top earthquakes: Solomon Islands (7.1) and Haiti (7) in January; Ryukyu islands (7) and Chile (8.8) in February; and an impressive three in April - the month in which the LHC started a continuous run: China (7.1); Tijuana (7.2) and Indonesia (7.7) – with the most
violent of those earthquakes, in Chile, occurring within minutes of the first successful proton run at 3.5 Tev. Now, where does that fit into the rules of coincidence.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.