Sunday, 19 September 2010

Chilean Miners Cop for Perks

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The group of 33 miners trapped thousands of feet underground in Chile for more than a month – and with a further couple of months to go before the rescue shaft reaches them - have been given permission by their wives and girl friends to masturbate whenever they feel the need – and even play the beast with two backs as it’s that dark down there no-one knows who’s buggering who.

The miners now have a supply pipe from the surface to the El Refugio shelter in the one kilometre long tunnel where they are confined. Through this the mine authorities and rescue workers have laid a fibre optics cable connected to a satellite dish at the surface beaming down the Sky Porn Channel to one miner’s iPhone so they can now access dirty movies of their choice 24/7 and break the monotony of lusting over each other’s hairy arses.

When the miners were discovered to be still alive following the collapse incident after 17 days underground they quickly communicated that their main need wasn’t first aid supplies, water or food but a couple of cartons of cigarettes – with the first words recorded being “Fuck the Spam sandwiches – just slide some ciggies down the pipe.”

Typically, in any life or death situation, the HSE killjoys got their oar in and refused to send the trapped miners cigarettes, saying the tobacco smoke would pollute the air in the refuge where they are sheltering and lighting a cig could perhaps ignite any pockets of methane gas – so they had to make do with nicotine patches and gum delivered through the supply pipe by a team of trained spelunking ferrets – a special super-skinny slimline breed imported from Ethiopia.
However since rescue workers have run a ventilation pipe into the tunnel the ventilation system is receiving a steady stream of fresh air in from the surface.

Now the ferret squad is busy relaying cartons of ‘Cowboy Killer’ Marlboro Reds, jars of Vaseline, condoms, and tubes of Preparation H haemorrhoid ointment from the surface for the miner’s favourite member – the 17-year old transvestite Pedro (call me Lulu) de Guzman – returning with love letters and orders for McD’s chew n spew Alpaca burgers, pizzas, and buckets of greasy Kentucky Fried Clucks.

The phone line now established between El Refugio and the surface minehead rescue camp is used on a daily basis by the local priest from St Sodom’s Church of Latter Day Fudgers to take confessions from the devout Catholic miners – with recordings of their sinful disclosures being posted on a host of pay and view fetish and gay internet websites.

Thought for the day: Have you ever been trapped down a mine with 32 other men and nothing to do apart from ‘twiddle your thumbs’ and fantasise what buggering another bloke would be like – especially so when it’s your turn to ‘assume the position’?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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