Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Chlamydia Titwank, a 14-year-old mother of three from Smegmadale-on-Sea, who included her address on a Facebook invitation to her birthday party, was well and truly gob-smacked when she received 257,438 replies confirming they would be coming.
Regardless of the party then being cancelled when the school girl was swamped by RSVPs from unknown would-be guests on the social networking site – from as far away as Kabul, Fiji and Tierra del Fuego, the damage was done and the main highways into Smegmadale were jammed with the hundred thousand-plus cars bound for Chlammy’s parent’s semi-detached home in Fuckwit Crescent last Saturday evening.
Chlammy’s mother, Mrs Bev’ Titwank, told one reporter from the Clusterfuck Gazette that her daughter had reportedly only intended to invite a dozen school friends to her 15th birthday party and as several didn’t know where she lived, Chlammy made the fatal mistake of posting her actual address along with the invitation.
While step-father Baz Fuctifino attempted to sort out the parking mayhem – with a line of cars stretching back 60 miles along the south coast from Skidrow Sands to Beachy Head - mother Bev’ made the best of the party fubar by stocking up with Pol Pot Insta-Noodles and emulated the parable of the “miracle of the five loaves and two fishes” – which actually lived up to the noodle advert’s boast on the packet and catered for all-comers - with enough left over to feed a Biblical multitude.
“Well, yer know, I just had ter get me arse inter gear like an’ try an’ feed ‘em all – especially after they’d all bin invited – even if it woz by accident. Our Chlammy got over a quarter of a million pressies too – we’ve got ‘em all stacked up in the back garden under an effin’ tarpaulin sheet until we can unwrap ‘em.”
One surprise guest was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg who brought along a 28-piece Sousa marching brass band and a 15 foot tall six-tier birthday cake to celebrate the occasion – informing Chlammy she was the website’s new record holder for RSVPs.
Russian exile zillionaire oligarch and owner of Commie-Gaz, Oleg Mobsaroubles, accompanied by sexy Ukranian stripper girl-friend Takem Orloff - and vampire-land’s super-slapper Cheeky Girls singing duo, Fellattia and Irrumatia Rimjob, plus Lib-Dum politician Lemsip Optrex - landed their helicopter on a neighbouring field and joined the party – contributing a roast ox and several cases of champers to his new-found Facebook buddy.
Two battalions from the 21st Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment parachuted in to join the festivities and provided a dazzling fireworks display by putting down a barrage of 120mm white phosphorus mortar shells to explode over the nearby Slumford Hamlets housing estate – then hung the chronically egocentric U2 frontman, Boring Bono, upside-down and used him for bayonet practice to howls of laughter and encouragement from the assembled party animals.
This display was followed – and outdone – by the Cruella de Ville Institute for Vivisection’s exhibition of kitten juggling and moggie hurling performed by the Coventry-based feline rendition consultant and celebrity cat-binner Mary Bale.
Did you RSVP the Facebook invite to Chlamydia’s party? Was there enough to eat and drink? Were the toilet facilities any better than Glastonbury? Did any Nigerian 419 scammers or Somali pirates turn up? How about Big Al Qaeda and his Jolly Jihad Gang?
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
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