Friday, 24 September 2010

18 Hole ‘Trumpton’ to Break Ground

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a press statement released this morning, the US-based sociopath property tycoon Donald Trump has set a target of November 1st to finally begin work on his piece de resistance golf links in Aberdeenshire, which he claims in his customary boastacious manner will become the greatest pair of 18-hole courses in the known Universe.
The iniquitous land-grabbing property fuhrer plans to start building his £1 zillion quid ‘Trumpton’ golf resort and leisure park within easy commuting distance of bonny Scotland’s kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeen.

Plans for the Trumpton development will include two 18-hole golf courses (just in case one is closed for mowing) a 600 room hotel cum casino / whore house; with 500 houses and 950 holiday homes laid out across his Ferryhill Leisure Park - and a marble Hollie Grieg Memorial Pederast Pavilion and fountain as its centrepiece adjacent to the Masonic temple and planned St Sodoms Chapel for Latter Day Catamites.

Trump, a poseur plutocrat whose name has become synonymous with greed and ostentatious waste, surrendered his vainglorious bouffant hairdo to the gusting elements as he spoke to a reporter from the Environmental Pillagers Gazette on the dunes at Menie this afternoon, revealing he has Scottish blood coursing through his avaricious veins – and that his mother Chlamydia hailed from Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis, a member of the McSlagg clan.

When questioned on the viability of tourists visiting the resort due the customary 11 months of inclement weather, considering Scotland only has three seasons – almost winter, winter, and July – the Donald responded “Hey, Trumpton will have something for everyone - and that’s what rich Arabs and Yanks want: golf, casinos, cheap booze, drugs, underage sex, brothels and whores galore. No shit, Aberdeen’s got it all – it’s the crime capital of Scotland, ain’t it – and kiddie fiddling’s a legalised pastime here.”

The Donald’s proposal to build Trumpton has attracted opposition from environmentalists, with part of one course to be built atop an area of sensitive sand dunes which will wreak devastation on the area’s magnificent desolation.
To date Trumpy has given short shrift to concerns over endangered species – such as the local residents who he refers to as cave-dwelling troglodytes living in hovels – having the audacity to describe the local rag and bone recycler, Raggy Dan’s home as a slum and a pig sty - and wants them all kicking out and their lands seized under Compulsory Purchase Orders.

The Grampian Regional Council initially rejected the application, until council leader Aberdeen Angus McScrunt, a 33rd degree Freemason and big mate of the Lord Provost, negotiated with Trump directly for the deposit of several Al Fayed style bulging brown envelopes to be deposited with the council’s Graft and Corruption department as ‘facilitation fees’.

Conversely the ‘Tripping Up the Toxic Trump’ campaign group have mustered a legion of support to put the kibosh on The Donald’s eco-vandalism plans and have sworn support for the families of troglodytes whose slums are under threat from the scheme. Plus they now have insider knowledge of the council’s dodgy goings-on from Philby, the Mayor's driver, who works as a whistleblower for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers environment watchdog charity.

The group have been busy and composed a satire on the toxic tycoon’s insidious plans – with posters churned out by Mr Munnings the printer and thrown up all around Aberdeen by chief bill sticker Nick Fisher.
“The Donald - buying up land, steadily, sneakily, never too quickly, never too slowly, never paying over the odds, issuing compulsory purchase orders – grabbing more land for his Trumpton.”

The anti-Trumpton campaign group have recently accused several other council and police officials of dirty dealings with The Donald – including Mr Troop the town hall clerk and Mr Bolt the crooked borough surveyor who they claim sold his soul for thirty pieces of silver – and a gold Rolex - to approve Trumpy’s plans to demolish the local fire station and disband the entire fire brigade crew of Captain Flack, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb - since there’s not been a fire in the locality since the old King popped his clogs.

The group bought ad’ space in last week’s Daily Shitraker and published a list of the proposed Trumpton residents that 'The Donald' is urging Sheriff McSodom and Policeman Potter to evict:

Raggy Dan the rag and bone man.
Mr Clamp the greengrocer, and his cat Aggee.
Miss Lovelace the hat maker and her three Pekinese - Mitzy, Daphne and Lulu.
Mr Antonio, the ice cream man.
Mrs Cobbit, the flower seller.
Chippy Minton - the carpenter, his wife Dora and son Nibbs.
Mr Robinson, the window cleaner.
Mr Platt, the clockmaker.
Walter Harkin, the painter & decorator.
Mr Wilkins, the plumber.
Mr Wantage (and his assistant Fred) - the telephone engineers.
Mrs Cobbit the flower seller.

Apparently The Donald has taken personal umbrage with one radical anarchist type chap known only as The Artist – a hermit type who wanders around the Hill of Menie smoking biftas and sculling first malt Scotch – with nothing under his kilt – who is suspected of grooming underage sheep on the Facebook social networking site.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Donald Trump or his condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a conclave of Menie residents that the word CUNT comes pretty close.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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