Tuesday, 7 September 2010

BP Poisons Gulf States Population

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The red-neck peasant population of the Gulf States – from Florida to Texas and one hell of a ways inland – and too up the Atlantic coastline - are dropping like flies with a variety of weird medical complaints – and due the mix of official PR spin and blatant lies that border on gross criminality have swiftly evolved a general mistrust of industry and government - hence they no longer believe the BP-affiliated quacks who tell them it’s just a touch of seasonal flu or general fatigue due the soaring temperatures and humidity caused by Al Bore’s global warming bullshit.

Hmmm, since when were blindness, tumours, internal bleeding, suppurating body rashes and gangrenous ulcers caused by hot weather?

However, the alarming criteria lies in the fact that legions of Gulf residents have tested positive for oil component and the ultra-toxic Coreshite 9500 and 9527 chemical dispersants in their blood samples – which independent medical experts working for personal injury claim attorneys hypothesise will eventually migrate into the bone marrow and the body’s DNA causing irreversible pathological and psychological damage.

Blood and semen samples from Louisiana and Mississippi coastal residents – and here we emphasise these were fishermen and their families and not locally recruited clean-up workers - came back with ominously high counts of toxins in the subject’s bloodstreams indicating that the Washington administration and the EPA have been lying through their teeth to the general public concerning the adverse health effects directly attributable to the airborne pollution in the region.

Immunologist Prof. Billy Bob Fuctifino told one reporter from the Environmental Pillagers Review that “We’ve even discovered traces of ethylbenzine, methyl-hydrate and Coreshite 9500's 2-Butoxyethenol in scores of test subject’s blood, stool, urine and semen samples – and these were from a broad spectrum of the coastal and inland populations. Then the samples we took from the clean-up workers who are in the thick of this mess –bollocks deep and up to the eyeballs in the crap day in and day out – their readings are off the toxicity charts and most of them will doubtless sicken and die before Christmas.”

“Any one of these toxic chemicals – and even worse if there’s a combination cocktail of them blended together – are deadly because they’re accumulative in the body – in the very cell structure and the DNA – just the same as heavy metals - and radiation from nuclear waste. There’s no way to expel the stuff once it’s in the body. Hundreds of thousands of Gulf coast and inland residents are now walking coffin dodgers. Amen”

Official spin besides, the components of oil are termed as volatile organic compounds that are known to cause respiratory irritation and nervous system disorders, dermatitis and a host of other skin infections.

Additional to the above, health problems for which Gulf coast residents and clean-up workers have sought medical help so far included headaches, dizziness, nausea, chest pain, vomiting, diarrhoea, coughing, constipation, difficulty breathing, anxiety, depression, psychological stress, neurological impairment, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – all of which are directly attributable to exposure to the BP oil calamity syndrome and Coreshite 9500 spraying.

Apart from potable water and atmospheric contamination by these highly toxic pollutants – and by ‘atmospheric’ we imply both the air we breathe and the rain that falls on the ground to enter the water table and food chain – we must also include the lifeblood of the Gulf’s bounty – all sea foods - comprising fish and shellfish and crustacean that have become contaminated by hydrocarbons from the oil and the Coreshite 9500. Highly toxic amounts of cadmium, ethylbenzine, mercury, and lead are present in these sea foods and too the sea bed.

Prof. Billy Bob Fuctifino had this to say in closing “I’ve already diagnosed a score of the clean-up workers with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome as they’re now totally fucked to do anything 24/7 – and these are the first guys where DNA alterations – that’s DNA corrupted at cellular level – will show up – most probably when they develop cancerous tumours – or their female partners start delivering two-headed kids that look like Blinkie.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: Everything that walks, swims, crawls or flies in or around the Gulf and coastline was irrevocably poisoned while posting this message.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known BP propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Will BP’s fully patented Gulf Oil Syndrome snatch the record from Gulf War Syndrome for fucking up the quality of people’s lives?

Thought for the day 2: Fuck BP and the DHS and the crooked O’Barmy administration – and Congress.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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