Monday, 6 September 2010

Barclay Twins Plan to Invade Sark

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum, the paranoid and super-litigative zillionaire Barclay twins – born conjoined at the wallet, are set to celebrate their 99th birthdays on October 27th this year by staging a battle-themed extravaganza replay of the 9th Century genocidal Viking invasion of Sark – with a couple of slight variations. The marauders will be launching their attack from the twin’s private island of Cuckqhou in the English Channel to storm the shores of the neighbouring island, with the primary intent of abolishing Sark’s elected government – the Chief Pleas – then turn the entire ‘euthanized’ estate into an RSPCA-subsidised Killiwacky bird sanctuary and hedgehog refuge.

While Viking chief Vigpiss the Ranga and his rampaging horde of ginger mingin’ Berserkers gave a wholly new definition to the phrase “rape and pillage” during the 872 AD attack, for their planned assault on Sark, the twins will be foregoing the traditional Viking dragon-figurehead longboats for a squadron of Slackwater XE’s Apache helicopter gunships when they raise Sark to the ground and exterminate the contrary peasant population with extreme prejudice.

The numpty brothers bought the remote and desolate island of Cuckqhou, located a few miles west of Sark, in 1993. Originally used as a lunatic asylum in Victorian times – a purpose restored when the bonkers Barclay twins took over the dump - here they’re at liberty to play the Mad Hatters – without fear of being sectioned under the Mental Health Act - in very own Alice in Wonderland castle.
This mock-Gothic monstrosity - designed and purpose-built for them by Lego, sculptor Anthony Gormless, and decorated throughout by celebrity graffiti artist Banksie – it stands prominent and defiant on heights of the sea-lashed cliffs of Cormorant Crag, overlooking the pictureque Periwinkle Point.

Cuckqhou Castle features blizkreig-proofed Chobham triple-ply plasterboard walls, crenellated battlements, a croc’-infested moat, a drawbridge and B & Q-supplied portcullis – plus an open fireplace the size of Trafalgar Square, rigged to burn Giant Sequoia trunks. The castle is further equipped with a swimming pool for each twin, a pair of ‘his’ and ‘his’ helicopter pads - and hot and cold running chambermaids in every room –all recruited from the West End’s Bangkok Ladyboys troupe.

The ultra-reclusive zillionaire twins – renown as cantankerous curmudgeons due their congenital dour Scots nature – a factor further aggravated by a chronic ingrowing foreskin condition - founded their fortune by converting London hovels into slums during the early 1960’s – quickly evolving to investments in doss houses and one-star hotels – before becoming press barons and buying up several red top gutter press tabloids from convicted felons and generalised scallies.

After establishing themselves as feudal squires on the Channel Island of Cuckqhou the capricious brothers quickly gave the UK’s Inland Revenue wallahs the finger and declared themselves tax exiles, thereafter announcing their official address as Le Montaigne, 7 Avenue de Matelots, 98000, Monaco.

The eccentric recluses are rarely seen in public, and even then only when wearing Stig-type disguises as they have a paranoid obsession of being kidnapped by Scottish nationalists and tortured by being forced to wear kilts and eat haggis.

The duo of septic sociopaths made front page headlines with their 2004 purchase of the Smellygraph News Group from convicted Canuck fraudster Conrad Slack – where they adore playing their favourite game of ‘musical chairs’ with the Sunday Smellygraph’s editors – firing and hiring on a weekly basis when editors with a mind of their own refuse to bend alike servile flunkies to the Barclay’s whimsical dictates regarding news publishing policy.

The Barclay’s received lashings of unsolicited media attention in January this year when whistleblowers working for Ox-Rat, the international anarchy snitch and grassers charity, leaked details that the twins had bid a seven-figure sum to secure ownership of a priceless collection of pre-Columbian Tupperware - once the property of the Sapa Inca Emperor Atahualpa - purchased anonymously in an auction at London’s prestigious New Bond Street –based Pound Stretcher art dealers.

This massive faux pas was followed in March by their proposed take-over of Sir Gerald Plumrose’s luncheon meat empire after receiving faulty ‘planted’ intelligence that the Spam tycoon had genetically-engineered a cross between a pig and an elephant – the ‘Spammoth’.

Lampooned by the gutter press’ satirical publications on every opportunity available for their ‘utter numptyness’, the terrible twins have their personal barrister on 24/7 standby alert – Ms. Sue Fleecem QC of Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot – ready and game to drag all and sundry over the litigative coals for apologies and compensation.

Rumours that the Barclays have petitioned the British government to sell them the North Atlantic’s sacred islet of Rockall – beloved of all marine weather shipping forecast aficionados – as a weekend getaway destination, are so far unsubstantiated.

Thought for the day: Is it worth holding the dead donkey while waiting to receive dubious confirmation the twins have accepted an invitation to appear on the Beeb’s ‘Desert Island Dorks’ programme?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of feudal lunacy, plutocratic parody and piss-taking porkies.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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