Monday, 27 September 2010

Pink Tomcats are the New Ginger

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Arthur Fuctifino, a 96-year old retired tortoise polisher, stood gob-smacked and watched in horror as a luminescent pink tomcat flew over the wooden fence and landed in his Smegmadale-on-Sea back garden at 10.30 pm on Friday night.
Arthur, who had just returned from sculling his usual 12 pints of Old Headbanger lager at the local pub, was initially dismissed as “a daft old cunt” and ordered to "sleep it off" when he told his wife Chlamydia he’d just seen the Pink Panther land on their patio decking.

However when he walked out into the garden the following morning, all bright-eyed, bushy-tailed - and sober, the Cheshire cat cum Pink Panther look-alike was curled up on a patio chair - larger than life.
Arthur called the RSPCA to report someone had tossed a pink moggy over his garden fence, with two officers turning up to collect the effeminate-looking tom and take it to a neighbouring car wash for a shampoo, rinse and blow-dry, but the colour remained the same.

Inspection by the RSPCA’s CSI forensic squad revealed that the puss had been doused with industrial strength Hi-Viz glow-in-the-dark pink dye – possibly as a sick joke to turn it the same colour as Shagpuss - the children's television character on the Shity Kitty channel – and have launched a major hunt to catch the cruel culprits.

One of the first to be interviewed on the ‘usual suspects’ list was the Coventry-based feline rendition consultant and serial moggy mauler Mary Bale, who is currently awaiting a court hearing date to answer animal cruelty charges after being filmed on CCTV tossing an innocent tonk into a wheelie bin with malice aforethought.
However Bale was eliminated from the investigation when her alibi checked out that she’d been attending the Cruella de Ville Vivisection Institute’s annual guinea pig torture night banquet in Bristol at the time the Pink Panther had landed on Arthur Fuctifino’s patio.

Police and RSPCA officers are now considering this might be the work of the same chapter of drunken yobsters who, in July, filmed and posted on YouTube, footage of their members testing the myth that a moggy has nine lives – by cooking a cat in a microwave, then sticking it in a tumble drier, putting it in a freezer and then trying to drown it in a dishwater – only to enrage the animal to the extent that when loosed it clawed the eyes from one yob then dived through an open third floor window, hit the deck with a roll and disappeared into the wild beyond - with a couple of lives still in credit..

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

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