Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Prince Chazzer is set to tear into critics who brand him a loony during a Channel 69 ‘Celebrity Basket Case’ documentary due to be broadcast this Friday evening.
The heir to the throne rages on about his potty royal image as he wanders around the Highgrove House gardens with a kowtowing ‘nodding dog’ Alan Twitmarsh who apparently spent three weeks rehearsing his cap doffing, forelock touching and brown nosing techniques in preparation for the interview.
Chazzer admits to the Teletubby gardener that he talks to trees and treats plants better than he ever did his first wife, then rambles on and complains about catching public flack and being ridiculed for his obvious myriad of eccentricities.
"I mean, every time I pick up a newspaper it’s always someone going on about me being potty this, and potty that, loony this and loony that, if not downright raving bonkers.”
Then in total contradiction the 61-year-old King- in-waiting confesses to a sycophantic Twitmarsh how he loves to spy on the 30,000 visitors a year who pay £15 quid a time to tour his 900-acre Highgrove House royal estate at Titbury in Gloucestershire.
"I really adore having a bit of a giggle and eavesdropping on what the visiting peasants prattle on about. When they're going round outside the windows sometimes I lie down on the floor and listen if they’re gossiping about me and saying “I wonder if we’ll see old bonkers Prince Charles on this visit?."
Chazzer freely admits to Twitmarsh that he has a chat to the plants and the trees, and always makes time to listen to their point of view also. “I think it's absolutely crucial to hear what the trees and shrubs think about this new fangled Libservative coalition we’ve got running the place since Mr Brown got kicked out – and that alone keeps me relatively sane and my mind off when Mummy’s going to pop her clogs so I can have a go at being King.”
“I’m out here every afternoon, to get away from Gorgonzilla and her foul chain-smoking habit polluting the drawing room. Out on patrol with my secateurs and pruning saw, lopping bits off the topiary as I do my rounds before supper. It’s terrific therapy.”
“Every tree has a meaning for me – just like the children – Wills, and that ginger minger brother of his – Harry the cuckoo. Really, I never forgave Diana for shagging that Hewitt bounder. Ah, Diana – by far too many blonde moments – denouncing land mines and fragmentation bombs. Good grief, my stock in BAE Systems would have been worthless if she’d carried on like that. Then going off and having heathen Muslim babies with some Johnny Wog fellow whose shifty father owns a big grocers shop in Kensington. Really, she had it coming to her.”
“In confidence, Alan, that’s what I tell the weeds if they start poking their stems out in the kitchen garden – ‘Just watch yourself or I’ll do a Pont de l’Alma tunnel job on you double quick.”
"Terrible thing really, the plants and the trees – just like a wife – we mustn't get too attached and psychologically involved – especially when one knows what’s going to happen down the road. Like when one of the main branches snapped off the big oak in a gale last November – I cried for hours the next day, sat against the trunk, consoling the poor fellow.”
While viewing a field of ‘Duchy Originals’ organic Triffids, ready for harvesting for biofuel, Prince Charles reveals his quirky side for the public record and inquires of Twitmarsh “Ever fantasised about being a tampax Alan?"
Unfortunately the programme fails to deal with critical factors concerning the Prince’s physical short-comings – specifically the slack jaw, anteater snout, bat-ears – and ambulatory posture that makes him appear he’s just shit his pants – nor which slot he should be truly classified under in the index of Linnaean taxonomy.
Thought for the day: Being a senior member of Britain’s most dysfunctional mutant family and an individual whose ancestor’s centuries of incessant – and incestuous - inter-breeding has obviously not augmented well for the gene pool – should Chazzer be sectioned under the Mental Health Act?
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* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and organic Duchy Originals squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
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