Tuesday, 28 September 2010

SPCA: Possum-Tossing Simply Not On

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) today informed one reporter from the Vivisection Gazette that it plans to “have a stern chat” to the staff and pupils of the St Atilla School for Latter Day Sadists on the outskirts of Woga-Woga which recently held a possum-tossing contest.

The possums – a four-legged squirrel-like marsupial - were found to be quite dead after being hurled over a cliff by students and hitting the rocks some 100 feet below. The students were then tasked with climbing down the cliff and attempt to throw the deceased possum cadavers back up to the top.

However the SPCA animal welfare group received dozens of complaints that the barbaric contest was unacceptable and encouraged students to mistreat animals – and everyone knows from the record of history, that leads to ‘humans next’.

Possums, which are not native to New Zealand, are seen as a pest in the country – much as are Australian tourists when they get pissed and start telling Kiwi jokes.

The event took place at a National Cruelty Week fund-raising gala on the 18th September following a possum trapping hunt. School principal Trev McScally told the Blood Sports Review the event helped children engage with the outdoors and learn dozens of ways of killing possums.
“Our school’s in a rural farming area and all the kids have a good understanding of life and death as they’re encouraged to stamp on ants, boil frogs alive and poke the eyes out of abandoned kittens from a very early age.”

Conversely SPCA Ranger Bev Titwank got her two-penneth in by declaring "While it's technically not illegal ter be chuckin’ possums over the effin’ cliff we think it's morally wrong ter be throwin’ them back up again once they’re dead.”

In a poll conducted by the New Zealand website No Shitt, 60% of respondents agreed that the contest was "harmless fun", compared to 40% who thought it was "cruel and not very nice".
The website’s notice board states "There are a number of rural practices, traditional or otherwise, that people from towns and cities would find curious, bizarre and, in some cases, offensive – such as incest and shagging sheep. Conversely, there are things that townies do that fly in the face of the way people in country areas go about their lives – like showering more than once a month, wearing condoms - or wiping your arse after taking a crap."

Gilly McTwatt of Possum Hurlers SA told Fux News “It’s all right these do-gooder pommie types back in England an’ the US going on about us being a bunch of Godless savages, but how about the urban sports wot yer have in the UK - like lettin’ pit bull terriers tear babies an’ toddlers ter bits – and ferret jugglin’. Same in the States wiv this bitch in Montana beatin’ a black bear ter death wiv a 14 inch zucchini she uses as a dildo.”
“Then yer get cases like that one on the BBC News the other week – which definitely outdoes our possum chuckin’ – some old bat called Mary Bale from Coventry wot’s a feline rendition consultant and now gets elevated ter the status of celebrity cat-binner fer lobbin’ a moggy inter a wheelie bin an’ effin’ off real sharpish like but she got copped out on CCTV. The she gets voted in as a judge on the Cruella de Ville Show wot’s like a cross between the X-Factor an’ Auschwitz Half Hour.”
Do you live in New Zealand? How about Old Zealand? Have you ever thrown a possum over a cliff? Ever binned a tomcat? Ever painted a moggie pink? Do you know anyone who has? The RSPCA would love to hear from anyone who has access to Tiddles-friendly pink paint remover.

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win tickets to the forthcoming RSPCA ‘Duck Racing’ Championships at Brands Hatch.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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