Sunday, 26 September 2010

Tomcats to Replace ‘Mobile Coffins’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Dr Liam Pox, the UK’s Minister of Defence and Tory MP for Woodworm, has announced that a patrol vehicle designed and built by Formula 1 engineers, Wallace & Gromet SA, Kwik-Fit and Tonka Toys is to replace the controversial ‘Mobile Coffin’ – the dreaded bodged job armoured Chelsea Tractor - and will be on the ground in Afghanistan’s conflict-ridden Bellend Province with the 21st Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment troopers before Christmas - 2011.

The replacement British-designed Tomcat has a V-shaped armoured spine chassis shell intended to defend against attacks coming from below the carriage – such as gunfire from Afghani hit and run victims – plus being purposely tuned to Formula One racetrack specifications the Tomcat can speed away from snide attacks and ambushes by the nasty Taliban mujihadeen faster than they can launch RPG’s.

Based on a modular chassis and armoured body design, the 7.5 ton Tomcat is a hybrid of a construction site Benford dumper with an innovative pod style ‘pillbox cab’ constructed from recycled London Eye gondoliers which can be easily swapped to thus convert the fighting vehicle into a fire engine, a pizza delivery truck, an ice cream van, an ambulance – or a hearse.

While unfortunately fitted standard with an electric sun roof, the Tonka Toys / BAE Systems suppliers maintain that the advantages of the Tomcat outweigh the disadvantages.
Tonka CEO Jack Tonka, informed a columnist from the Christian Scientist’s ‘Warmongers’ section that “The vehicle has a large hatchback tail gate and spacious rear end when the back seats are folded, enabling troopers to carry twice the number of wounded comrades – or three times the number of civilian prisoners captured for a spot of extraordinary rendition – or five times the amount of raw opium that they could load in the old style Snatch Land Rovers. Now you can’t get that sort of cargo space with one of these hybrid people carriers.”
“As to armouring, well my son’s .22 air rifle didn’t even leave a dent in the bodywork and as the Taliban are reported to be a bunch of cave dwellers armed with slings and spears, then there should be no problems.”

Defence Secretary Pox revealed “With money being tight due the fuck up Labour made of the economy and Georgie Oddbourne holding onto the public purse strings like a pit bull with its teeth locked on a baby’s neck, then we took advantage of Pete Scandalson’s 2008 car scrappage scheme and traded the shitty old Snatch Land Rovers in and got a £2,000 quid discount on each of the new Tomcats.”

Conversely, Mustapha al Fuctifino, spokesman for the non-existent al Qaeda terrorist group told a reporter from the Body Bag Review “We are overjoyed at this new Tomcat innovation – nice bright Hi-Viz reflective colours to comply with your asinine British HSE regulations and such an easy target now we can see them coming from miles away.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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