Thursday, 12 August 2010

Bounty Hunters to Target Benefit Cheats

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The latest gospel according to the incumbent Libservative Prime Minister Posh Dave Cameron states "We should strain every sinew to cut error, waste and fraud in our government spending system – and while leaving MP’s expenses well alone, target welfare benefit payments and the rugrat’s free milk allotment."

Cameron informed one reporter from the Scally’s Gazette that the level of fraud in the system is absolutely outrageous and an uncompromising Gestapo style strategy was necessary to bring bludging benefit cheats to heel.
Applying the tried and tested Stalinesque Soviet approach, the PM intends to form a series of community snitch and grasser brigades with the ominous title of ‘Oick Watch’ to head his all-new Big Society Youth Movement - and call on members of the public to report suspected cheats and any of their neighbours they might have a grudge against.

Posh Dave further hinted that legislation would be pushed through the House of Conmans like shit through a goose to furnish local authorities with tougher regulations to prosecute offenders and impose Sharia Law type punishments – such as twenty lashes in the village pillory or getting tar and feathered - or having a hand chopped off for a first conviction – with perhaps penalties of a hard labour sentence on Dartmoor or a public stoning for repeat offenders.

“Really, I mean if these bludging oicks can walk to the Post Office to cash a disability benefit giro then they can sweep the streets and do some kind of job or the other – be one of those PCSO chappies that help out Sergeant Plod the Policeman and his little team of elves or whoever.”

Conversely critics were swift to point out that Herr Cameron had lost touch with reality once again and failed to make reference to the intended penalties for MPs convicted of filing dodgy expense claims – for duck islands, dredging moats, blowing £21,000 quid on postage stamps, indoor water features or £250 quid on fridge magnets – to name but a mere sampling of past abuses.

However Posh Dave is determined to clamp down on fiddling by the marginalised and disaffected sectors of our disfunctional society in his bid to bring Utopia to us all, and is set to contract credit check agencies to act as bounty hunters out for benefit fraud scalps by providing them access to the Government’s incapacity and housing benefit claimant database – plus trawling through their financial records, household bills and credit card applications.

The Daily Shitraker reports that Bunglers, the UK’s biggest credit rating reference agency, will begin working with the Department for Works and Pensions within weeks as bounty hunters – to expedite comprehensive credit checks on new benefits applicants as well as existing claimants who are suspected of fraud.

Despite raging concerns of privacy abuse voiced by civil liberties groups, all of the checks are apparently legal and covered by the Data Protection Act regarding commercially-available data - including a further intended proviso to enforce a policy that all existing claimants as well as new ones will have to undergo – and quite possibly pass - a lie detector test before claims are paid.

Labour’s Shadow Minister for Education, Ms Candida Fuctifino opined to the Numbskulls Gazette that “Well, obviously the Libservatives are going to have to rethink the current GCSE O-Level curriculum for the UK’s chains of Asbo Central sink or swim housing estate schools - with their exams and certificates in Benefit Fraud and summer classes on how to milk the welfare state and make a living wage in a jobless environment.”

Ghengis McScrote of the welfare benefit claimant’s union 'Spongers' spoke candidly with the Scallys Gazette, relating “It’s all right fer this twat Scameron ter start tryin’ ter solve the country’s fucked up balance of payments by targetin’ poor unfortunate welfare cheats wot knows no better yet he tells us that MP’s bloated salaries an’ pensions – an’ exorbitant expenses – them’s all the perks of the job. Well bollocks ter Scameron an’ Georgie effin’ Oddball cos a spot of fiddled extra welfare benefit goes a long way in this here recession thingie and is one of the very few perks of not havin’ a job. So, how’s that fer effin’ logic.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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