Thursday, 26 August 2010

MI6 Spy Death Possibly Murder

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Secret Intelligence Service (MI6) employee whose body was found inside a holdall in the bath of his London flat may have been dead at least two weeks, according to investigating officers from the Met Plod Squad’s forensic team.

Police broke into the property after fellow spies and colleagues of MI6’s ‘Hush-Hush’ division at their Vauxhall Cross headquarters reported that Welsh secret agent Owen Jones had been neither seen nor heard from for at least a period of 10 days when he had no holiday time off booked.

The holdall containing Jones’ body was discovered in the bath of his top-floor flat in Felo de Se Street, Pimlico, central London, on Monday afternoon.
Due the 35 stab wounds in the deceased’s back, Plod Squad investigators are now reconsidering if their earlier speculative opinions of suicide or death by misadventure will stand up to a coroner’s post mortem examination.

Det Supt Irwin Fuctifino told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “At first we thought it could have been an accidental death type of thing – one of those sexual fetish whatsits gone wrong – as his body was trussed up in a bin bag with his hands tie-wrapped behind his back – and ankles tie-wrapped too. Then he was inside the holdall and zipped right up – foetus-like - with the whole affair plonked neatly in the bath."

"Anyways, then it suddenly dawned on us that he couldn’t have zipped the bag up himself while he was inside it. Then, like a bolt out of the blue, Det Sgt Bazzer Bogbrush exclaims “No shit – I reckon he might have been murdered!" Now that’s what you call intuitive detective work.”

“Well, at least he was afforded the luxury of being bumped off in the comfort of his own home and not some damp windy outdoors location like the Grassy Knoll Woods – same as that poor Dr Kelly bloke. Very thoughtful of the party that did snuff him too – putting the body in the bath so there’d be no nasty bloodstains on the nice Indian carpets. We at the Met appreciate the professionalism of little touches such as that.”

Mrs Hilda Tiitwank, who lives opposite Mr Jones in Felo de Se Street, informed reporters from the gutter press tabloids that she hadn’t seen her neighbour around for almost two weeks.
“Last time I saw him he woz talkin’ ter some raghead beardie types wot had come knockin’ on his front door one night. I thought they might have bin Moron missionaries or Jehovah’s Witnesses at first, especially wiv the AK47 assault rifles they woz carryin’.”

“Bein’ a bit of a nosey old bugger I woz peepin’ round me curtains cos there woz eff’ all on the telly – so I woz sizin’ up wot Owen the Spy woz doin’ – whether it woz the pizza delivery lad givin’ him a quickie blow job or some renta-whore massage chick comin’ around fer some rug and tug – then lo and behold it’s Big Al Qaeda an’ his mate Taliban Dan standin’ there havin’ a chat about fuck knows what.”

“They might have bin tryin’ ter sell Owen double glazin’ or a new gas central heatin’ boiler – or insurance. Anyways, next thing they shove a black bag over Owen’s head an’ give him a kickin’- then the bloody lot of ‘em bugger off inside and that woz the last I saw of them until they carted his body out on a luggage trolley this mornin’.”

Do you live in the area? Did you see any dodgy darkies or Jolly Jihadi types around? Did you know Jones the Spy personally? Was he really a double agent? Could you recognise Taliban Dan or Big Al Qaeda if they came knocking at your door trying to sell double glazing or comprehensive household insurance? Would you buy a second-hand comby gas boiler from a couple of dodgy Jihadi types? Can you keep a secret? Do you ever kiss and tell?

Send your comments using the British Patriots Only online reply form below and you might just receive a job offer from Vauxhall Cross.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

No comments: