Fischer Pulls Checkmate from Beyond Grave

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A DNA test comparison has forced the Manila-based lawyers representing a nine-year-old Filipino girl to throw their grasping hands up in despair and finally admit that the late chess icon and international grand master Bobby Fischer was not her father.

The Supreme Court in Reykjavik had ordered Mr Fischer's body exhumed to prove whether the claimant, Ms Jinksy McSlapper, was Mr Fischer's daughter. The court allowed DNA to be taken from Fischer's remains and compared to genetic samples from the girl and her mother.

However, lawyer Numptus Noggson informed a reporter from the Sophistry Gazette that the DNA test results most definitely excluded Bobby Fisher from any paternity suit claim.
The US-born chess player died in Iceland in 2008 but left no will to direct the desired disbursement of his estate - estimated at US$ 2 million bucks – which has since become a prime target for a legion of gold-diggers.

Jinksy is the daughter of Titsy McSlapper, who claims she had an intimate relationship with Fischer while he was living in the Philippines. Ms McSlapper apparently worked as a ‘suck n swallow therapist’ at Baguio Country Club’s notorious Happy Ending Rub n Tug Massage Parlour, where Fischer often retired to relax in the afternoons and contemplate his next ‘move’.

Following Fischer’s death, Titsy filed a claim to his estate, declaring the chess champion was the father of her daughter.
Titsy confided to gutter press hacks at the time that “No shit, I was Bobby’s three-hole favourite and he promised to buy me an air-conditioned home then pissed off to Iceland without even a bye-bye kiss. He was a kuriput bull-shitter – a big cheap Charlie playboy.”
Controversy still abounds where Titsy McSlapper is concerned as several years ago her lawyers filed an ‘assertion of rights’ against the Howard Hughes estate, declaring the late tycoon was her grandfather.

One other major claimant to Fischer's estate is the Japanese chess champion Miyoko Twatai, who claims to be his widow and told reporters “Bobby and I spent many happy hours together burying the bishop.” However the Icelandic courts have nullified her claim to the estate as she was unable to produce a marriage certificate proving she was ever actually legally wedded to the deceased chess master.

Apart from the United States IRS, who filed a claim against the estate for unpaid taxes, other claimants include the chess master's two nephews – Beavis and Butthead Nargsby – with Beavis the current title holder of the prestigious Homer Simpson Chequers Championship trophy.

Did you ever play chess against Bobby Fischer? Did he promise you a cut from his will when you check-mated him? If you think Bobby Fischer’s estate might owe you a few bob for whatever hare-brained reason, get in touch with Gomez, Ripoffs and Scally, Attorneys-at-Law, Manila, Rep. of the Philippines (No Claim Too Small).

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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