Sunday, 29 August 2010

Army Vet' Denied Disabled Parking Permit

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A British Army trooper, whose right leg was so badly injured while playing hopscotch in a Taliban minefield during his Afghanistan tour of duty it had to be amputated below the knee, has been denied a disabled parking permit by Snottingham County Council because he might get better.

The gospel according to Alderman Rupert Fuctifino, one of the shit-for-brains jobsworths running Snottingham Council “We can’t just go handin’ these disabled parkin’ permits out to any sod yer know. The bloke’s original application states he ‘lost’ a leg in Afghanistan – so how about if someone finds it an’ hands it in an’ he gets it sewn back on? Or wot happens when he grows another leg – is he gonna return the permit or keep on abusin’ the system like a lot of the buggers do?”

When one switched-on media reporter pointed out that human legs aren’t exactly renown for growing back, Alderman Fuctifino countered “Well, lizards grow another tail, don’t they eh, cos I’ve seen it on that Discovery Channel thingy – and they can do some amazin’ things in hospitals wiv this genetic clonin’ stuff nowadays – like grow another leg fer the bloke. An’ how about that bloke wot had his big toe sewn on his hand ter replace his thumb wot got cut off.”

The 27-year old Bazzer McGimp, a Lance Corporal with the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment, has clocked up £800 in fines for parking in the areas designated disabled bays in his home town of Limpton on days when he is unable to walk very far.

The war veteran, who survived the Iraq conflict only to lose a leg while on active duty at Camp Hopalong in Afghanistan, has been denied a disabled parking badge three times by the local council clots. When he originally applied for a ‘blue badge’ disabled permit for his car, he was advised by the moronic Highways and Transport Department he was ‘still young and would probably get better'.

McGimp’s right leg was amputated below the knee after missing his step in a variation of the ever-popular Russian Roulette self-harmer's game where players had to negotiate a ‘Hopscotch’ path through one of the Taliban’s minefields in Bellend Province in 2008 – with the resulting explosion catapulting him into the midst of an adjacent IED-infested cemetery.

Since Lance-Corporal McGimp’s case has been broadcast across the front pages of the national press, plus both radio and television, Snottingham Council's understaffed ‘Common Sense Department’ has been tasked with finding a resolution to the highly embarrassing dilemma and prevent further negative news stories showing the council up to be comprised of a bunch of bog standard IQ bureaucratic idiots that aren’t fit for purpose.

The Council’s Director of Common Sense, Ms Candida Nump, informed a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette 'We are set to investigate the situation concerning Mr McGimp’s application for a disabled parking permit and if his own GP issues him with a medical certificate stating his amputated leg is definitely not going to grow back then we’ll recommend the council’s Highways and Transport department issue him with a blue badge forthwith.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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