Tuesday, 24 August 2010

NAC Slammed as Spendthrift Scamsters

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Acts of blatant profligacy at the National Audit Commission have been targeted and zeroed in on by Communities Secretary Eric Prickles, who informed the Daily Shitraker “We reckoned the NAC might just get its act together once Sir John Bourn was forced off his Chairman’s seat after 20 years of scandalously abusing
his personal expenditures. Obviously we were wrong as much the same continues to this day – hence I intend to ‘decommission’ the commission within the next few months.”

While the abolition of the NAC will mean the sacking or re-trenching of its bloated staff of 2,000 jobsworths currently manning 37 offices across the UK, Secretary Prickles announced “In terms of people working for the Audit Commission, almost certainly we are looking for them to be able to continue in another form of local government employment - sweeping the roads or signing on as traffic wardens or Community Enforcement Stasi, perhaps. Basically somewhere they don’t have any further access to, or control over, the nation’s money box.”

While the current NAC chairman Michael O'Piggins, in a typical desperate act of self-preservation, refuted claims by the government that he has overseen a regime of extravagance, Secretary Prickles countered with “The greedy grasping twat tried to award himself a salary of £240,000 quid a year – plus expenses. Then he blows £8,000 nicker on a day at the Newmarket races, watching the donkeys run round the track – and all paid for out of the taxpayer’s pocket. A value-for-money governmental oversight body this is not. Believe you me - we can save £200 million a year simply by scrapping this ‘deadwood’ department of leeches and hangers-on.”

However the biggest stickler that might well have proved an unintentional felo-de-se for Mr O’Piggins is the fact he ‘dissed’ his future Minister by paying £60,000 to a company of lobbyists for advice on “how to combat and nullify the austere regulatory activities of Tory shadow Communities Secretary Eric Prickles”.

So, while O’Piggins and other high and mighty mandarins at the NAC might cry “Foul!” the public spending watchdog - tasked with scrutinising local government - has now become the highest-profile victim of the government's austerity drive.
And a victim of their own design since exasperating the government by refusing to allow any and all expenses over £500 to be published as part of Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society transparency drive.

Further exasperation stems from the fact that Prickles’ staff now refer to the NAC as a total doss house due the numerous occasions when they called their main London office well before the end of the working day to question the Soviet-style diktats they were issuing cart blanche to local government bodies - and the place was deserted.

Upon its abolition next year, it is intended that the National Audit Commission's powers will be hived off to auditors in the private and public sectors – based in Dehli.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

No comments: