Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Ms Zenna Twatkins – Kuntt of the Month

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Zenna Twatkins, the retiring career ‘Ms Blonde Moment’ head of OFSTED and holder of a bloated index of ridiculous senior posts, including Chairslapper for the Department of Defence Tortoise Audit Committee - and High Priestess of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - recently caused a shit storm of controversy concerning school staff’s inadequate teaching skills when she failed to engage brain before opening mouth and stated for the public record “One really good thing about primary school is that every kid learns how to deal with crap tosspot teachers."

Twatkins unqualified arrogance in uttering such a remark so enraged Chris Knobhead, the ex-chief inspector of schools, that it prompted him to inform the Gobshites Gazette "The woman must be mad. I can't think of a comment more likely to discredit Ofsted or further damage our children's education. Weeding out shitty teachers was a critical and desperate method of improving education standards that simply did not work."

”Really, this woman must believe that wood grows on trees the way she carries on. Answer me this – how the fuck do you get to be the head of Ofsted and in charge of the nation’s educational standards when you were still totally illiterate at the age of 11 then expelled from school and failed your English O-level – totally flunked it - with an unclassified “U” for Useless – not once – and not twice – but three times.”

Ms Twatkins’s academic career might well have been marvellously inglorious – however she did eventually manage to leave school with an O-level in Biology – after an intensive course of comparative anatomy sessions with several male and female school chums in her neighbourhood’s Doggers Wood.

By a cruel twist of fate for those on the receiving end, this doubly-dyslexial and scholastic-flunker will quit her current top ranking post with Ofsted at the end of August to become chief executive of Mammon Education, one of the world’s biggest profit-making independent school chains for spoiled brat morons and ‘couldn’t care less’ privileged thickies.

However her portfolio of top notch career positions have prompted several gutter press hacks to question how the fuck can anyone have so many jobs and claim to do them with any modicum of efficiency – sarcastically speculating that Ms Twatkins may just be the prototype in a line of genetically-modified multi-tasking blondes?

The red top tabloids have suggested that dear Zeena might be pursuing a Guinness World Record for the number of non-jobs she has - hoping to beat the current record holder – the US-born grasping egoist and doyenne darling of what remains of British industry - through her decrepit hubbie’s nepotistic Freemason networking connections - Lady Barbara Sludge – who holds dozens of dodgy directorships and scores more ‘affiliations’ and quango appointments to positions relating to shit she knows sweet FA about – with nuclear power presenting one stellar sore thumb example – Chairperson of the UK Atomic Energy Authority.

Whereas Zeena Twatkins, a product of the Neo-Masonic New World Order’s social engineering Trojan horse – Common Purpose (not to be confused with the distressed pelagic mammals charity Common Porpoise) is as yet a ‘wannabee’ compared to the directorship and honorific-gathering achievements of Barbie Doll Sludge.

While Twatkins is recognised as the founder of the Penzance Halitosis Club she also makes pointed and boastacious reference to the most dubious title of the Smegmadale Recycling & Landfill Bimbo of the Year 2009 - and lists herself as an honourable patron of the Cornwall-based ‘Sister Chlamydia Mingerot Hospice for Wayward Slappers’ charity.

Conversely, while this once-sceptred isle, our green and pleasant land, still struggles under the purposely engineered ‘recession’ (read ‘depression’) and millions remain unemployed, the likes of Zeena Twatkins have several ‘nice little earners’ at their fingertips.

Further corruption of this personality has been instilled through Common Purpose brainwashing courses, from which Twatkins has acquired the evasive double-speak jargon of the public sector bureaucractic jobsworth, clearly evidenced when she prattles on about “broad brush piece governance”, the “whole child”, “the value-for-money agenda” - and last but not least - “inspecting the pathway that children experience because of the new engaged and participating strategy”. What a total crock of Kafkaesque double-speak shit.

Conversely in our opinion, within the English lexicon of 250,000-plus words indexed there is no single one to accurately describe this career hypocrite – however the word CUNT does come reasonably close – a ‘cunt in cunt’s clothing’, to be exact.

Are you gainfully employed or yet another victim of the New World Order’s specifically-engineered recession? Why not sign up for one of Common Purpose’s ‘hive mentality’ propaganda courses and become a Community Enforcement Officer – ready trained to man the concentration camp gates, turn on the ‘showers’ – and stoke the crematorium’s furnace.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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