Calls for Genuine Kelly ‘Murder’ Inquest

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A group of prominent specialists in their particular areas of forensic medicine, anatomy and criminology etc have renewed calls to the Libservative coalition government for a formal – and this time around ‘comprehensive and honest’ - inquest into the purported ‘suicide’ death of controversial government scientist Dr David Kelly in 2003 – and re-examine the case of ‘justice denied’.

They have, individually and jointly, stated for the public record that the official concocted cause of death - a haemorrhage - was extremely unlikely in the light of new evidence – with forensic pathologist Dr Irwin von Snittch going so far as to declare that Dr Kelly’s chosen method of suicide, presumed to have been brought about by slashing his ulnar artery with a blunt gardening penknife, had as much chance of being successful as shoving butter up a porcupine’s arse with a red-hot knitting needle.

The claim comes in a letter from eight senior figures, including a coroner, published in Tuesday’s edition of the Daily Shitraker red top tabloid.
The weapons inspector's body was found in the Grassy Knoll Woods near his Oxfordshire home in 2003 after he was named as the source of a BBC ‘Stoolies Half Hour’ programme exposing the falsified intelligence dossier used as a central justification for going to war in Iraq before Saddam Hussein could devastate our Democratic way of life in a mere 45 minutes with his weapons of mass distraction - which has since become one of the most contentious issues of recent political history and raised profound questions about the total lack of moral integrity of the New Labour government.

To cover their guilty arses, the then Prime Minister Tony Bliar ordered that a regular coroner’s inquest be bypassed, and instead pressured Sir Brian Mutton QC (the type of bloke who could fuck up a perfectly good anvil) to conduct an investigation - which ignored masses of obvious and conflicting evidence in favour of recording a verdict of death by suicide.
To boot, the Lord Chancellor Charlie Falconer – Bliar’s big mate from school days – made the bizarre and unconstitutional decision that Mutton’s inquiry would jointly serve as an inquest – but without any of the legal requirements or statutory powers governing such.

As a reward for his heinous part in stopping the proverbial shit from hitting the fan and concluding the 59-year-old Dr Kelly died from blood loss after slashing his wrist with a blunt gardening knife, the unscrupulous Mutton was awarded a life peerage by Bliar.

Hence for his stellar mishandling of the entire fiasco and covering up the fact MI6 had snuffed Dr Kelly for his reckless behaviour and unpatriotic attitude towards Britain’s involvement wherein illegal neo-colonial land grabs were concerned, the shameless Brian Mutton now sits in the Upper House – bearing the title Lord Whitewash of the Grassy Knoll.

Conversely, intelligence insiders working for Ox-Rat, the international government abuse watchdog, offer conflicting claims – with those in the know at MI5 stating MI6 had Dr Kelly bumped off, while a cadre from MI6 state MI5 were responsible – with yet another muddled view that it was a Mossad operation to prevent him revealing what he knew of their South African black market nuke sales and the false flag micro-nuke bombing in Bali - plus the principal role of their ‘Hi-Fiving Hymie’s’ in orchestrating the 9/11 attacks on the WTC Towers.

Ox-Rat snitches further reveal a series of ‘motives’ for bumping Dr Kelly off via the ‘assisted suicide’ method that were never mentioned at the Mutton Inquiry – such as his writing a tell-all book which would violate the Official Secrets Act by exposing Britain's duplicitous behaviour in manipulating neo-imperialist wars.
They claim that Dr Kelly 'knew too much' and had gone into a dangerous ‘loose lips sink ships’ mode – and it was time to be rid of his troubling presence.

It was feared his book would reveal his intimate knowledge of things secret – of the South African apartheid state government’s ‘Project Coast’ programme to develop an ethnic germ weapon programme to target the black population – AIDS – plus the fact that the rogue state of Israeli was researching and developing genetic specific viruses to target the Arab races – and the CIA were responsible for the Anthrax junk mail blamed on Islamic militants.

The letter's signatories include Jacques de Ripper, a former coroner; Fellattia van der Gamm, a Whitehall night club pole dancer; Dr Julian Chancre, a professor of STDs at London’s prestigious Institute for Advanced Clapology; Sir Irwin Bogbrush MP, a reformed Co-Proxamol addict; Count Vlad Dracula, an eminent haematologist; Arthur Twitmarsh, an expert on gardening penknives; and Hilda Skank, an consulting self-harmer and holder of the Guinness World Record for slashing her wrists and not bleeding to death.

These specialists jointly agree that Sir Brian Mutton's conclusion is ‘unsafe’ and argue that a severed ulnar artery, the wound found to Dr Kelly's wrist, was unlikely to be life-threatening unless the individual had been simultaneously attacked by a vampire bat or a swarm of starving leeches - and picked up a dose of MRSA.

Their letter states "Absent a quantitative assessment of the blood lost and of the blood remaining in the great vessels, the conclusion that death occurred as a consequence of haemorrhage is unsafe."

Hmmm, the loose term ‘unsafe’ must obviously be taken as a euphemism for ‘disingenuous’ – or, more correctly, a fucking big porkie pie.

Concerns over the cause of death have been mounting at a geometric rate after it emerged in January that all medical and scientific records, including the post-mortem report and photographs of the body, were secretly classified by Lord Mutton in 2004 – restricting the disclosure of any and all documentation and evidence for 70 years.

Hmmmm, something stinks in Denmark, and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.

Rumours that a formal inquest will include testimony from a certain Ms Constance Dandelion, a professional psychic and medium, who is in regular contact with Dr Kelly in the afterlife dimension, and proposes to hold a séance during the inquest and summon up the deceased Doctor’s spirit to present personal testimony of who actually snuffed him, have yet to be confirmed.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Who fancies a wager? What’s the betting that to ensure an all-round arse-covering scenario for the Bliarite gang of guilty gits that an actual ‘inquest’ will return either an open verdict or conclude that Kelly was murdered - by persons unknown – with the probability factor pointing the fickle finger of fate at Saddam Hussein’s Mukhabarat secret police.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.