Sunday, 22 August 2010

Yobette Guilty of War Memorial Desecration

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A woman has been found guilty of outraging public decency after she was caught urinating and performing a lesbian sex act on another female against the Slackpool-on-Sea War Memorial.
Chlamydia McSlutt, a 17-year old mother of three and resident of Scumborough Hamlets, was found guilty in her absence of outraging public decency and desecrating the war memorial after she failed to appear in court. The judge at Slackpool Magistrates' Court issued a warrant for her arrest without bail.

The breach of the peace incident, which took place on the night of May 7th, was recorded on an adjacent CCTV camera. Following her initial arrest and being charged with outraging public decency, Ms McSlutt’s statement claims she had been out on a bender with a group of lesbian friends from the Temple of Sapphic Love on Dildodo Street – namely Minjeeta Dykeford, Fellattia Gammer and Butch Bev Titwank - to celebrate her divorce from 19-year old career yob and welfare benefit cheat Wayne Scrunt.

The foursome had reportedly consumed several pints of Old Headbanger lager in the Tribbers Arms before hitting the Blue WKD and Meths Breezers, then decided to wander down to the Godemiche Club for a nightcap. This was where McSlutt was taken short and to prevent pissing in her knickers took a squatting leak behind the war memorial.
While she was in this crouched position an inebriated Ms Titwank - a backing singer for the Scissor Sisters - staggered over and, hoisting her skirts, thrust her naked pelvic region into McSlutt’s face, saying “Eat me baby” – to which request the CCTV camera recorded her compliance of muff diving her companion.

War veterans were outside the town’s magistrate’s court yesterday and shouted abuse at McSlutt as she passed to enter the building, her hoodie pulled far down to cover her face. However the cat calls and jeers got the better of her and she about-turned and disappeared into the town – giving the assembled veterans the big finger over her shoulder.

McSlutt’s accompanying girl friend, Minjeeta Dykeford spit the dummy at ogling reporters and the veterans, shouting “What the fuck was Chlammy supposed ter do then – piss down her effin’ legs an’ play wiv the steam? Every fucker an’ their dog’s go a mobile phone now so there’s hardly any BT phone boxes about ter take an emergency slash in – an’ it’s a bit gross ter go pissin’ in shop doorways.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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