Sunday, 9 May 2010

Harrods Flogged Off to Qatari Vulgarians

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mohammed Al Fayed, the Egyptian-born phoney-baloney Pharaoh, has agreed to sell the exclusive west London store to the Doha-based Istimna Holdings Corporation of Qatar’s ruling Al Thani family.
Istimna Holdings Corporation is the investment arm of the emirate's sovereign wealth fund, Qatar Investment Authority – rumoured by covetous London banksters to be worth what they term as “lots and lots of money”.

Although it failed in bid to buy Sainsbury's in 2007, Istimna Holdings is the third-largest shareholder in Hitler’s brain-child Volkswagen Corporation and is currently considering buying Greece if the EuroBank’s price is right.

With Mr al Fayed so addicted to conspiracy and dirty deeds done dirt cheap, he has demanded the purchase price of £1.5 zillion quid to be made up of used £50’s and £20’s and delivered in two suitcases to be left in the third cubicle along in the Waterloo Underground Station’s public toilets. Apparently the password is rumoured to be “Knock twice and ask for Achmed.”

The sale also stipulates that Al Fayed has the right to a ‘pick n mix’ selection of six bits of exotic Asian and Nubian ‘tottie’ from the royal Qatari harem’s extensive collection of three-hole concubines.

Amir Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani, present ruler of the shitty gritty enclave of sand dunes, London Gherkin copies and Anthony Gormless statutes – such as ‘Camel of the North’ - claims direct descent from the region’s Manuke Khara tribemen - who used to barbeque infidel babies for breakfast, chew six inch iron nails and spit puddles of rust.

The gospel according to the Scandalmongers Gazette relates that the current Qatari Business Minister Ibn Himar al Thani has some novel plans for the iconic store’s food hall – set to stock a line of sheep’s eyeballs, goat’s testicles, deep fried camel foetus, crispy scorpion snacks and toasted dung beetles – a local delicacy around Doha’s Kess Emakk Oasis.

Foul rumours being spread by disgruntled staff that the new Qatari owners plan to rename Harrods as the “Oasis Poundland Supermarket” or the “Tiny Rowland Memorial Lonrho Mall” are reputed to be wholly unfounded.

Mr Bala’a il A’air Sharmuta, who acted as an adviser to the deal, told a reporter from the Baksheesh Gazette that Mr Al Fayed was retiring to spend more time passing thick brown envelopes around Parliament, searching for white Fiat Uno’s and digging up dirt on his homicidal adversary Phil the Greek.

However the Daily Shitraker understands that Mr Al Fayed will stay on in some capacity – possibly working as a consultant in the third floor’s ‘Adult Sex Toys’ department – or as one of the gaily-clad ‘greeters’ stationed outside the Knightsbridge Brompton Road entrance where he can weigh up and ogle the scantily-dressed talent and have a quick grope when he’s not abroad in Hyde Park on one of his habitual nocturnal ‘badger watching’ excursions.

Have you ever owned a white Fiat Uno? Were you in the Pont de L’Alma Tunnel on the night Princess Di' was murdered? Did you see Prince Phillip shine a light in Henri Paul’s face? Has your Harrod’s safety deposit box ever been broken into? Have you ever shaken hands with the phoney Pharaoh? Did you count your fingers afterwards? Were they all still there?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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