Monday, 17 May 2010

Millipede Brothers Duel for Top Job

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following Lib-Dum Leader Mick Clogg's announcement to the press that a ‘Coalition of the Losers’ would never work – for him anyway – and no sooner was Gordon Incapability Broon turfed out of Number 10 Downing Street - than Dave and Ed - the duplicitous back-stabbing ‘wunderkind’ Millipede twins - born conjoined at the brain and separated at birth – were rolling around Labour’s Victoria Street HQ floor, pulling hair, biting and trying to scratch each other’s eyes out in a bid to outdo the other for the position of party Fuhrer.

Once the squabbling siblings were separated by the Chief Whip throwing a bucket of cold water over them alike a pair of rutting dogs, they were quick to seek out supporters for their individual bids to grab the party leadership.

Former Minister for Global Warming Propaganda, Ed Millipede told one reporter from the Fratricide Gazette “Brotherly love be fucked” - and his ex-Foreign Secretary brother David could go and ‘FOESAD’ (fuck off, eat shit and die).

However, faster than a speeding mullet and more powerful than a marauding hamster loaded up on a cocktail of Viagra and amphetamines, David Millipede went into conclave with a cabal of ex-cabinet ministers out to salvage whatever possible of their future opposition benches existence as ‘Shadow’ thingamajigs.
A former protégé of ex-Labour leader Tony Bliar and a career Israeli apologist cum pro-Zionism advocate, Dave Millipede informed Fux News he wants to assume leadership of the basket case fubar that now constitutes New Labour and re-brand it as the UK’s ‘Progressive Party’.

Likewise, Ed Millipede – the one who got the shit end of the deal during the Siamese twin brain separation surgery as instanced by his moronic IQ rating of a mere 55 – claims he wants to be the great reforming champion of social and economic change in this country.
Ed claims they have to acknowledge that this election was lost due having a morose porridge wog that no-one voted for as leader and now had to re-engage with the public and understand and re-label the party as ‘Brand-Spanking New Labour’.

He further stipulated that one priority principle was to make a promise not to tell as many lies as Tony and Gordon did – or employ scumbags like Alastair Campbell and Peter Scandalson, or have blokes like Lord Levy doing the rounds with the ‘donations’ collection basket – or back up the US in kick-starting illegal wars – or lie about dodgy dossiers and not resort to murdering weapons inspectors like Dr Kelly in the Grassy Knoll Woods to keep their gobs shut - or go on glad-handing walkabouts and call pensioners “bigoted old bats”.

While certain Labourite critics have opined that the Millipede twins opportunistic clamour for the top job is yet another example of Polish Shylock immigrants coming here and stealing all the best jobs - Alan Johnson, Harriet Harman, Yvette Cooper and Jumping Jack Straw – along with several other ‘wanabees’ have now ruled themselves out of the race following the circulation of scandalous rumours that Dave Millipede has had his mates in Mossad put contracts out on declared leadership contenders ex-Minister for Asbo’s Ed Ballsup and backbencher John McCruddy – plus his own wacky brother.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

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