Saturday, 29 May 2010

NHS Electronic Records Scheme Sucks

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The agency tasked with rolling out the new National Ill-Health Service online electronic records system is warning of "adverse consequences" if people choose to opt out of the computerised network, which has been criticised, at best, as “chaos in motion” by NHS doctors – with their worst case ‘fubar’ scenario stating they’ve seen better organised riots.

Dr Beverly Titwank, of the Quackford Health Trust opined to one reporter from the Data Miners Gazette that the NHS currently has significant problems with lost records and the new electronic system was no better inasmuch the security firewalls being “more fucked up than a turtle soup sandwich and a system any nine-year old schoolkid worth his IT salt could hack into.”

However, one document posted on the NHS Connecting for Health website lists several dangers to patients if they continue to have their medical information stored on paper files - stating: "If you arrive at one of our NHS Trust A & E centres or mortuaries in an unconscious or comatose state following a gunfight in your local pub – or from overdosing on meths breezers or crack or some other cocaine-heroin based cocktail - then attending healthcare staff may not be aware of your current physical condition, internal prosthetics or medications in order to treat you safely and effectively.”

"Medical staff working without insta-access electronic records of current conditions and/or diagnoses could lead to a delay or missed opportunity for correct treatment – or to harvest several of your vital organs if you croak.”
"Plus they may not be aware of any allergies or adverse reactions to medications and may prescribe or administer a drug or treatment - like an enema - that could initiate adverse to severe consequences – such as killing you."

Hmmm, now there’s a real confidence booster to reflect on while waiting for a scheduled surgery slot to get an ingrowing toenail sorted.

While acknowledging confidentiality risks over the digital database, the document continues: "It is misleading to suggest that having such a record is risk free – especially so while our main databases are being managed out of Nigeria and Burkino Faso by unemployed 419 scammers."

Arthur Fuctifino, the Big Brother Watch campaign director and founder of the Twatsford Halitosis Society, told the Daily Shitraker "If you value your privacy ignore these bullshit warnings and opt out of the entire scheme.”

“It’s all a pile of old codswallop because personal information such as your entire medical history, details of all genetic next of kin, postal addresses, e-mail addys and telephone numbers, credit card numbers, sexual preferences – the whole schmiel – are going to end up tagged onto your NHS / EUSSR / New World Order electronic medical records and can be accessed by any fucker and their dog – from NHS staff to local council snoops to the quango Renta-Plod agencies.”

Mrs Fellattia Snotgobbler, a 96-year old grandmother of Bigots Terrace in Rochdale told one reporter from the Bodysnatchers Review “I had these two gollies come round wiv a clipboard sayin’ they woz from me local GP clinic an’ I had ter sign this effin’ NHS Trust form so I goes an’ gets me readin’ glasses an’ the bleedin’ thing woz an organ donor consent agreement – so I set me pit bull on the pair of ‘em – effin’ scallie gits.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in the woods will it get logged in its medical records as a stool sample?

Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and the NHS electronic records scheme.

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