Political Pledges more Scent than Substance

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

On the morning of the closest election since the last close election, a Best Guesstimate poll puts the Conservatives on 33%, with Labour and the Lib Dums on 28% while a FukGov poll undertaken for the Daily Shitraker puts the Tories on 34%, Lib Dums on 29% and Labour on 28% - which continues to point to a major political snafu in the making.

Worn-out New Labour, the conceited Conservatives and the Lib-Dums finished off the final day of election campaigning with polls suggesting the result lies with the ‘decider’ ballots cast on Thursday by the zillions of disillusioned middle ground “Don’t Know’s”.

The Tories are ahead in the polls but not by enough to get a majority – with Posh Dave Cameron telling anyone inclined to listen that his people will be out 24/7 – rain or shine - banging on doors to canvas for votes night and day – and pissing sleeping voters off in the process.

BBC News Channel chief political correspondent Fellattia Kuntsberg announced that despite the final TV debate and Gordon ‘No Mates’ Broon having to flagellate himself in public and apologise for calling a Rochdale pensioner "a bigoted old bat", the polls hadn’t really shifted over the past week – apart from the arse dropping out of Gordon ‘Mister Personality’s chances of getting re-elected.
“Gordon’s really got a case of the shakes and one could well quote Shakespeare’s phrase “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown” – until Thursday anyway.”

While at Smegmadale-on-Sea last week, Posh Dave declared ‘the Power of the Force is with the Tories’ and that his people were hot to trot on the campaign trail. He further pledged a blitzkrieg through-the-night campaign in which he is expected to walk on water and speak fishermen, Chinese cockle pickers, chimney sweeps, body snatchers, cat burglars, foraging badgers and other nocturnal peasant types toiling through the hours of darkness to make a living in Buggered Up Britain.

Hmmm, hopefully this 24/7 campaigning spirit and fervour will be continued well past Election Day by the winning party and not end up as another bunch of unfulfilled promises and a standard of total mismanagement that borders on criminal negligence.

Fully-fledged membership of the EUSSR indeed – and a European recession to go with it.

Further, when someone ‘promises’ us a referendum – we want one – not some piss-poor excuse at to why we no longer need it. This applies to that lying git Gordon and Posh Dave likewise. In addition we want a full independent inquiry into the 7/7/05 false flag terrorist attacks, an honest public inquest into the ‘assisted suicide' of Dr David Kelly, and Tony Bliar and Co prosecuting as war criminals for the illegal invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq – and their responsibility for the ensuing slaughter of tens of thousands of innocent civilian non-combatants.

The Oxford-based Institute of Advanced Guessology’s chief political analyst Sir Jarvis Fuctifino opined on Channel 4's ‘Kuntts in Suits’ programme that the election would be decided in Labour-held seats across Britain in which there were a clear majority of people who most definitely don't want a Conservative government after all the damage Thatcher and Co did in the past – nor do they want any more truck with Labour – Old or New – or whatever manifestation Lord Scandalson wishes to conjure up to re-brand the party – after all the lies and denials, official cover-ups and whitewashes committed over the past thirteen years.

As to the Librarian-Dummercats and leader Mick Clogg, a single shake of the head dismissed his chances of squatting in 10 Downing Street.

“Gordon’s only chance is to convince the undecided fence-sitters that by denying both Labour and the Conservatives and casting a vote for the Lib-Dums they could quite possible let the Tories win. However, as nobody now believes anything Gordon says, then it’s anyone’s guess.”

Conservative sources have dismissed as "utter bullshit" newspaper reports that Posh Dave will form a coalition with the Librarian-Dummercats if his party fails to win enough seats to gain a working majority.

The Daily Shitraker and the Scandalmongers Gazette both report that if such a scenario does present itself when the vote is over and the counting done, Cameron intends to form a minority government instead, with the support of the BNP and Al Qaeda.

Okay, following an on-the-spot show of hands ballot down at the local pub last night, we’re unanimously of one mind and generally willing to vote for the first fucker to throw his hand up when we pose the question “Who’s prepared to pledge - on the lives of their entire family and every friend and relative on their Christmas card list – that once they get into office they’ll direct the Minister of Transport to stick a boot up the arse of each local council’s Highways Department to stop shagging the cat by traipsing about and spraying white circles around the countless numbers of potholes infesting our roads that hatched out during last Winter’s brief Ice Age sampler - and fill them in with ballast and asphalt.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.