Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
‘Shameless’ Sarah Ferguson, aka the Duchess of Pork, has been filmed and recorded offering to sell access to her trade envoy ex-hubby Prince Andrew (for what bankster types refer to as ‘lots and lots of lovely money’) to an undercover Daily Shitraker reporter impersonating an oil-rich Arab sheikh - with the story breaking in the Sunday scandal sheets while she was flying back from yet another freeloading junket to Los Angeles.
The greedy, penny-pinching Duchess of Sleaze was filmed last Tuesday night taking a US $40,000 cash down-payment from undercover reporter Ronnie Snott who was impersonating a Middle Eastern oil-rich potentate Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer – the owner of the Oasis Watering Hole chain, and who claims the hereditary grazing rights to every hotel lobby carpet within the entire Gulf region.
Prince Andrew’s penniless former wife shit kittens and turned a ghoulish and ashen grey – the colour of cold semen in an IVF test tube - on being informed of the expose – and was said to be 'devastated and regretful' she had been caught red-handed breaking the 11th Commandment – Thou Shalt Not Get Found Out - by being secretly filmed doing dirty deeds to earn a few bob to support her Cinderella girlie lavish lifestyle of hedonistic squandering.
In the covert video recording the prodigal ‘Freebie’ Fergie Beast sets out her stall for the grubby little scam and blatantly put a price tag on an introduction to Britain's trade envoy Prince Andrew, opening the door to lucrative mega-bucks international deals with equally-sleazy Third World Kleptomaniac Party governments on both sides of the Equator.
Andrew, who isn’t precisely the sharpest pebble on the beach – although not quite as thick and cloth-eared as brothers Charlie and Edward – is reportedly ignorant of Fergie’s influence peddling in his name.
Hence, unbeknown to the Prince, Fergie promised to introduce Sheikh al Kaseltzer to him, claimed she'd help fix lucrative business opportunities and then demanded a cut of all profits resulting from the dodgy deals.
She insisted on a one per cent commission on any contracts the Sheikh might strike due to her ‘Royal Connections’ and demanded the balance of the £££ half million quid backhander be wired into her private offshore HSBC bank account in the Outer Spendthrift Islands.
The video soundtrack records her vowing "Treat me like a lady and Andrew will look after your end - you'll get it back tenfold – effin’ mega-bucks.”
Fergie told the shifty Sheikh she’d already discussed the deal with him, claiming "Andrew said to me “Tell the raghead twat it’ll cost him £500,000.”
“So, you see, I can open any door of opportunity that takes your fancy – my legs too if you’re up for a Royal shag and have a spare £100 quid handy."
The greedy 50-year-old slapper, looking well past her use-by date, was then filmed pocketing an extra $40,000 cash down-payment in a stack of Mohammad al Fayed style ‘big brown envelopes’.
Conversely, the loose cannon Duchess's claims that Prince Andrew – an unpaid UK Special Representative for Trade and Investment - could be party to such a scam might well jeopardise Britain's global reputation for ‘honesty and fair play’ – as established and confirmed by the 13 year shining example of ‘unblemished integrity’ displayed by the New Labour government under Bliar and Broon (and Vaz and Scandalson et al).
Further, Fergie’s mercenary willingness to give an unvetted businessman access to her Who's Who contacts / address book of the world's most influential figures – including Ronnie Kissinger’s famous brother Jack, plus Pope Benny Mk XVI, and celebrity child rapist George Herbert Wanker Bush Snr. etc, - raises huge security fears.
However, in her defence, the Dutchess was described affectionately by family and friends alike as a grasping penny-pinching twat - whereas her critics seized on the opportunity to candidly express their opinion that Fergie is a ‘cunt in cunt’s clothing’.
Royal equerry Sir Darlston Thort-Nott informed one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette “This is nothing new with the Fergie Beast – one can take her anywhere twice – the second time to apologise – and give the silver back.”
Since being divorced by Prince Andrew over her propensity for pawning his medals and golf clubs the royal spendthrift has pulled a series of ‘quick buck’ dodgy scams – many of which have fallen under the purview of the Fraud Squad and gutter press.
Her ludicrous autobiography ‘A Day in the Life of a Soft-Boiled Egg’ - followed by the worst-selling “Memoirs of a Royal Moron” – earned her column inches of absolute derision – and absolutely zilch in the way of royalties.
Along with public school chums Candida Mingerot, Cynthia Gamarouche and Sapphie Godemiche, they founded the elite Chlamydia Muffitch Slimmer’s Club which took a complete head-over-tit nosedive when the taxman and creditors turned up simultaneously with the court bailiffs and nicked everything – including the rub n tug massage tables.
Highlighting Fergie’s rollercoaster ride of scandals, the dumpy Duchess was frequently criticised and pilloried by the red top gutter press tabloids for the apparent exploitation of her position and influence peddling – earning herself the derisive moniker of "Freebie Fergie" for taking countless holidays and selling family photos of her children, the Princess’s Gorgonzilla and Eczemalda, to a Moroccan kiddie porn’ magazine.
In 1992, scandalous photographs showing the duchess's ex-financial advisor, Bernie Jackoff, sucking her toes – and various other portions of her disgusting flabby anatomy - were published on page three of the Daily Scumraker.
By 1995 Fergie’s hedonistic wastrel lifestyle had landed her in a scandalous tits-deep quagmire of more than £4 zillion quid in debt, with the Queen taking the unusual step of publicly closing the Royal Purse to her spendaholic daughter-in-law.
After getting her arse evicted from Scummingdale Park Fergie moved to a smaller nine-bedroom house, took up nail biting and psycho-therapy and became more involved in championing charities and worthy causes for aristocrats in need – such as her Sarah Ferguson Benevolent Fund.
After a three month sojourn around hotel bars of the Persian Gulf Emirates on an influence peddling campaign and flogging her golly to curious Arabs with a taste for ‘Royal Pussy’, the Dodgy Duchess had managed to turn enough cash-in-hand / tax-free tricks to clear her debts.
Although her spell as a television chat show hostess was a total disaster, as too her two-book career as an author, a soft-drinks commercial for Slut-Brew and numerous other nickel and dime ventures helped reinvent her as a businesswoman – with a cameo role on the American sitcom ‘Kuntts’ and taking part in The Celebrity Slapper series.
Fergie than became an ambassador for weight loss company Lard Arsed Scrubbers in the US; a spokesperson for the elite cosmetics brand Spotti-Scumm, and did a series of adverts for the prestigious china dinnerware company ‘Ming of Peking’.
Regardless of being stricken with a chronic case of ‘Wasteful Extravagance Syndrome’ plus her burgeoning couch spud weight problems, she resumed a cordial relationship with Prince Andrew, and moved back into a wing of the Royal Dodge at Windsor on the condition she didn’t start pawning the Prince’s medals again or nicking the servant’s tea money.
At the time, her spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gamm denied the Duchess had any further financial worries now she was back with ‘Andy Pandy’.
However as Fergie celebrated her 50th birthday last October, it emerged that Fartmoor LLC, the US company she had a 51% stake in, was to be wound up owing several zillion £££ quid to creditors.
Regardless of this setback to her abysmal business interests her spokeswoman declared the profligate Duchess was "resilient" and still fat enough to "bounce back".
Hmmm, obviously so - by marketing access to her ex-husband Andrew to pay the bills and support her squandering lifestyle.
Okay, let’s now take a look at the actual realities of this calumnious dilemma – from the perspective of the Fraud Squad and the Crown Prosecution Service.
While the egoist Vulgarian might be possessed with the social graces of a rutting hog and cursed by the erroneous belief that Life owes her a living (aristocratic style, please) – plus the minimal IQ of a slack-jawed inbred moron, she has knowingly, and with malice aforethought, now involved herself in a glaring display of criminal activity whichever way it gets looked at.
Hence, if Andrew is whiter than Mother Theresa’s gymslip and would never prostitute his Trade Emissary position for profit, then Fergie is guilty of obtaining money – US$40,000 / £500,000 quid - under false pretences / by deception.
So, are either the Fraud Squad or the CPS going to take an interest in this blatant exhibition of influence peddling and conspiracy to commit fraud and prosecute accordingly – as they would any lesser mortal – for lesser sins?
Now that would be interesting – the Fergie Beast serving a couple of years sentence in one of Her Majesty’s ‘Ladies Only’ rug-munching paradises.
Have you cut any business deals with dodgy Royals? If Fergie called round for a cuppa would you count the teaspoons after? Would you like to meet Prince Philip and get insulted? How about a meet with the Prince of Wales to enjoy a chat with his house plants? Or a bonding session bender with the pissy-arsed ginger-mingin’ royal cuckoo Prince Harry?
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a sit down lunch with Prince Andrew at McDonald’s Chew n Spew outlet in Windsor Park.
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No members of the Royal household were compromised in posting this message. However, a large number of hangers-on were slightly embarrassed.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.
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