Friday, 14 May 2010

UK ‘Coalition of the Losers’ Avoided

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Lord Peter Scandalson has failed to deliver the vaunted Progressive Alliance for his Zionist master Baron Rothshite but has finally succeeded in getting rid of his (and Tony Bliar’s) arch-enemy Gordon ‘Culpability’ Broon.
Vermin in Ermine secured his long-time aim of ditching the hapless Gordon ‘No Mates’ but his snide plan to dominate British politics indefinitely is defeated by the numbers and public disgust for a 'Coalition of Losers'.

So bye-bye Peter – fuck off now, darling. Alas, like all bad pennies this one will turn up with his meddling fingers enmeshed in yet another political intrigue before too long.

Regardless, the UK’s new Prime Minister Posh Dave Cameron has at last had Gordon the porridge wog evicted by Parliamentary bailiffs – on orders from the Queen herself - and finally got his foot inside 10 Downing Street’s door after Mick Clogg and his Librarian Dummercats told Broon’s Business Secretary Lord Scandalson and Labour to ‘stuff it’ and opted to form a historic coalition with the Tories as the best deal they could do considering the election result fubar and a legion of stupidly masochistic self-harming British peasants actually voting for Labour again.

Thus the Queen agreed that Posh Dave should be installed as PM with the Lib-Dum leader Mick Clogg announced as his deputy.
Clogg arrived at 10 Downing Street where he and Cameron received a floral bouquet and greeting from the Met’s 24/7 Plod Squad sentries who expressed how nice it was to have a pair of handsome young chaps running the place instead of the crapulent old Scots git who was evicted earlier.

The pair then almost came to blows in front of journalists while haggling over who was going to have the keys and open the front door. It was eventually decided that Dave would unlock the door while Mick turned the knob – and Dave would carry Mick over the threshold in a symbolic display of their political ‘marriage of convenience’.

Rumours that the pair, on entering Number 10, actually caught the New Labour scallie John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott sneaking out of the kitchen window with a box of frozen meat pies and a 75 inch Sony plasma screen telly loaded into a wheelbarrow are so far unsubstantiated. However a large fat man cursing with a Yorkshire accent and wearing handcuffs was seen being bundled into the back of one of the Met’s police vans shortly after Posh Dave assumed occupancy.

Following this incident a Catholic priest was summoned from the nearby St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Pederasts to perform an exorcism of all the evil spirits infesting Number 10 since the time of Tony Bliar’s tenure – and further track down and remove the voodoo dolls secreted throughout the building by Peter Scandalson.

It has apparently been agreed that with having the majority of the votes then Posh Dave and sexy Sammy will sleep in Number 10’s master bedroom – the one with the en suite bathroom and flush toilet – while Mick Clogg and his bit of stuff Miriam will have the ‘Granny Flat’ over the garage and make do with using the outside crapper and getting their weekly bath at the nearby Flying Angels seaman’s mission.

In what is the first coalition government in the UK for 70 years, and what many of the public fear is precisely the election outcome the EUSSR’s hierarchy in Brussels desired – leading to a one-party Totalitarian state - Posh Dave vowed to set aside political differences and Mick Clogg urged doubting Lib-Dum voters to "keep the faith as we’re not Tories – yet’.

So now, in what is being termed by moronic television pundits as the Dave & Mick Show, 'pubic' schoolboys Cameron and Clogg have cobbled together what constitutes their first attempt at a ‘Libservative’ Cabinet - and what a bunch of slack-jawed mutants this new council, once gathered in convocation, consists of.

A team of public school Hurrah Henrys – some equipped with such prognathous jaws they could eat a pomegranate through a chicken wire fence – providing irrefutable evidence that generations of Second Estate interbreeding has fouled their genes to imbecile level – while the remainder are damned with their fore-bearer’s 'Tyburn face' mongrel antecedents.

A quick sideways glance around the cabinet table reveals a bunch of refugee look-alikes from Fraggle Rock and South Park – plus the odd mental institution reject and a couple of faces that serve to remind one of an internet Balkans War Crim’s poster.

William Vague – Minister for Zionism & Israeli Affairs.
Communities Secretary Eric Prickles – who ate all the pies?
Michael Gove – Minister for Hoodie Hugging
Iain Duncan Smith –Minister for Garden Sheds – the only disabled member of the cabinet as he was born without a personality – or a sense of humour.
Cheryl Gillan, Minister for Sheep and Mint Sauce.
Caroline Spelman – Minister for Ginger Mingers & Rangas.
Ken Clarke – Minister for Lard with responsibilities for Sloth.
Phillip Hammond – Minister for Potholes and Speed Camera Fines.
Danny Alexander – Minister for Porridge & Haggis Affairs.
Chris Huhne – Minister for Global Warming Scams.

Lord Cashcroft of Shitchester, a UK tax exile, Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party and a major financial ‘Cash Cow’ donor, who came to public prominence during the ‘Cash for Peerages’ investigation, and was ranked at 37th place on the Daily Scandalmonger’s 2009 Rich Twat index, will act as an advisor to the all-new Ministry for Graft & Corruption.

Hmmm, just one crib - who put that cloth-eared influence-peddling clot Georgie Osbourne in charge of the piggy bank? Chancellor of the Exchequer indeed - now we are doomed to join Greece in perpetual penury and centuries of recession.

However, last but not least and on a brighter note - the Lib-Dum dinosaur Mingin Campbell has had his cobwebs dusted off, fed some Viagra and been appointed Minister of Antiques.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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